


Counting Days

by orphan_account



Category: Hetalia (Axis Powers) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bad Touch Trio, Brotherhood, Character Development, Depression, Flashbacks, Friendship, Hospital, Human Names, Loneliness, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Suicide Attempt, Textning, alternative universe, btt, selfharm, selfhate, triggerwarning!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-03 08:49:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5284388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>((Don't expect much updates but the work is not abandoned)) <br/>((EDIT: OK sorry it is actually pretty abandoned but idk maybe someday..))</p><p>Lovino thinks that everyone hates him. For a school project he starts counting how many times he gets left behind and that becomes the starting point for his down spiraling depression. While he's trying to deal with his everyday life he gets in contact with Gilbert Beilschmidt in an online chatroom. Gilbert and his friends have been through similar things as Lovino and they are determined to help him before it's too late. Little does Lovino know that his saviors are within reach and their lives are already entangled with each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lovino Vargas

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> This is the first time I post any of my fanfics, so I really look look forward to actually have someone reading and (hopefully) enjoy my works! (^_^) Please tell me if you do, because that would make me very happy!
> 
> English is not my native language, so please exuse the errors..
> 
> ~ THIS FANFICTION WILL EVENTUALLY CONTAIN TOPICS THAT COULD BE CONSIDERED TRIGGERING ~

The brightness from the screen made his eyes feel slightly irritated. He had been sitting like this, in front of his computer with his earphones on, for at least five hours now. Right after the dinner around 19 he had gone up to his room. The clock was now 1:07 in the morning/in the middle of the night. He would probably turn the computer off soon, but first a quick check in the chatroom.

To be honest, Lovino knew that there were people around him that would talk to him - but somehow he just felt that they didn't enjoy his company anyways. They probably just talked to him because they went to the same class, played in the same team or lived in the same area - not because they truly wanted to talk to him. Yeah, or another one that a lot of people went for: that they talked to him as if they were friends for real, and when they got introduced to Lovino's brother - they just left.

However, in the chatroom there were most likely at least someone to talk to. It made him feel a bit less lonely, but if it could get him through life? Of course not. It just made things feel a little bit better for a short while.

He logged in and clicked his way to the chat.

**"You are the only one in the chatroom.**   
**Please come back later."**

_OK, thanks, that's exactly what I needed right now._

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Lovino woke up in the morning at 07, when the alarm clock rang.

Not that he ever had a very nice attitude, but if any time throughout the day – the morning was the worst time to meet him. Even the tiniest of things could piss him off, making him rage of anger and then be mad about it until he arrived at school where he would go back to his usual ”fuck you all”-self.

”Lovi ~?” said Feliciano and carefully opened the door to his Lovino’s room, ”Will you make me company to school today?”

Even though Feliciano, being Lovino’s younger brother, was probably the one in the world with the most experience of Lovino’s rage, he had still not learned how to handle the mornings.

”Can you ever just leave me the fuck alone?! Are you five years old or what?! Can’t you even get to school by yourself? Then you know what – call that annoying nazi boytoy of yours and make him company you! I’m so sick of you, Feli!” yelled Lovino at his brother.

The ”annoying naxi boytoy” was Lovino’s favorite nick name for Feliciano’s best friend Ludwig. If they were dating or not, nobody knew – but one thing was certain and that was that they hung out a lot, both in school and during their freetime. It wasn’t unusual that they made company to school, even though Ludwig would have to walk another extra half-an-hour to get to the Vargas family’s house.

Another thing that was certain about Ludwig was that nothing could make Feliciano seem as hurt as when someone talked bad about him. Of course, Lovino knew that.  
”Eh… okay then. Bye,” said Feliciano and hurried out of his brother’s room.

Lovino knew that they wouldn’t talk again until they got home again, since they never spoke a word to each other in school. Feliciano was way to popular to spend time with an angry douche like Lovino. He had so many better alternatives, so there was 0 reasons he would do that.

Just after he heard the door closing behind his brother, he felt ready to get out of bed and fix himself for another worthless day in school.

But who knows, maybe today somebody would at least talk to him?

_Nah, don’t expect anything. Why would they?_

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The school building was nicer than most other in the town. It was clean and modern, four floors and painted in white. The classrooms were fresh, having big windows with some kind of plants standing on the window board, and also colourful posters on the walls to make the spirit a bit happier.

It seemed to work on most people, the tricking. Because that’s just what it was – a big, fat trick. This school wasn’t a happy place. It wasn’t fun to be there. It wasn’t fresh – it was all fucking gross.

It all just looked nice, but things aren’t all about looks, are they? If that would have been the case, Lovino would have had lots of friends and would not need to stay up all night on stupid online chatrooms to feel wanted, because honestly Lovino did look great but he had no friends.

”Good morning everyone!” said the young math teacher to the class when the lesson was about to start. The students finished their talking and turned quiet with their eyes on the woman standing before them.

Lovino sat in the back of the classroom and drew on the bench. Being all clean made them look boring, too perfect and artificial. They looked better with some art on them. Lovino’s art to be exact. Weird little figures to be even more exact.

”So, today I thought we would start up a new project, which I informed you about last week, didn’t I?” said the teacher. The class mumled some kind of answer until one of the Asian kids (seriously, who could tell them apart anyways?) raised his hand.

”We haven’t finished the last chapter yet so are we are not going to have a test on that, are we?” said the boy.

”I know that we aren’t done with that yet, but I felt like this project would be more important and you deserve more time for it, so I decided that we would move on this week already. And no, we are not going to have a test on this chapter.”

The reply to this announcement was loud cheerings from the entire class. It took a while for them all to settle down again and let the miss continue.

”So… the project is going to be very open. The idea behind this project is that I want to you to show me something that you have learning this year, by using a method of your own. The last time I did this project I had a student who counted the price of every ice cream she bought in the entire year, counted the cost together and then had a representation to the class about her result. That’s a simple but good idea that you could also use, but with something else than ice creams, of course!” explained the teacher.

By now Lovino was already so bored at this introduction that felt ready to die. He decided to express this emotion through another crappy drawing on the bench. He took his pen and started to draw a portait of his teacher. He drew the shape of the head, the eyes, the nose, an open mouth, her body and her clothes. Then he wrote ”blablablabla math and bullshit blablabla” and connected the words to the open mouth with a stroke. It looked like a drawing of a five year old, but Lovino was so saticfied with his master piece that he let out a little laugh.

”What’s so funny Vargas?”

”Ahh, nothing, nothing, just continue,” giggled the boy.

”Miss, he has been drawing on his bench the entire lesson,” said the girl sitting next to Lovino. Her hair was blonde and she looked cute and innocent, but telling a teacher on someone was just straight out evil! What was that even good for?!

”Back stabber!” hissed Lovino at her. He would have punched that cute little face if it just wasn’t that the teacher was heading straight toward him in the very moment.

”Vargas? You know that it’s forbidden to draw on the benches. We need to keep this school clean and you’ll be the one to clean this up –”

She froze right at the spot when she saw what Lovino had drawn.

”Why can’t you just be a bit more like your brother, Lovino?” she said and sighed.

 _Ouch_.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Lovino sat by himself in the caffeteria. That wasn’t what bothered him though. That bothered him was that his brother was sitting just a few tables away with all of the people that had all at some point been Lovino’s own friends. Kind of at least.

Everybody left him in a matter of time.

And this was the moment that Lovino decided what his math project would be about.

 

 

**”How many days will it take for you all to leave me”**

**by Lovino Vargas , year: 2**


	2. 20 notes in one day

 

Lovino was sure he had made an amazing decision when he came up with the idea about counting days, but the more he thought about it, the more he started to worry about it. Maybe it was just a very bad idea to do this. He knew that seeing results would completely break him down. They were going to tell him that he was just a _nothing_ , a _meaningsless being_ to this world that nobody cared about, a _something_ that was just pushed into the shadows of the people of worth.

Lovino knew this was already the case, but to see it clearly on a paper would be another thing than just thinking about it. His loneliness would be so much more obvious that way. Right now he could at least pretend he had some kind of friends - for a while.

"Do you know what the next period is?" asked a voice and pulled Lovino out of his thoughts.

They stood in the hallway ont the third floor, the floor where most frechmen had their lessons. There were only a few people there since most others had already gathered their stuff and were heading towards their classrooms. This was otherwise the most popular hallway to socialize in during the breaks since there were tables and benches places all along.

"Huh?" was Lovino's confused response. He hadn't even heard what the other boy had said.

"Do you know what the next peri- wait hold on! I'm so sorry, I thought you were someone else! You look _exactly_ like Feliciano Vargas, do you know that? Feliciano is a guy in my class. Oh well, never mind... Bye!" laughed the boy embarrased, took his stuff out of the locker and ran away along the hallway.

Lovino felt like he had freezed right at the spot. He just watched the boy run away. He tried to remind himself, repeating the phrase in his head over and over again, _"he probably didn't mean anything personal about that, he probably didn't mean anything personal about that, he probably didn't mean anything personal about that"_ \- but somehow Lovino felt like that was exactly what the boy had implied for. The boy only talked to him to make damn sure Lovino knew that Feliciano was the important one. Why else would anyone talk to him?

Lovino couldn't hold the thoughts back any longer. He let them flood into his mind until a voice in his head was the only thing he could hear.

_He left, he left, he left, he left, he left, he left, he left_

"Hey, are you okay,? You have been totally spacing out for a while now," said another boy's voice. Lovino had seen him before - it was that weird Polish kid who sometimes wore the female uniform and seemed to think he was some kind of princess.

Lovino felt a bit lighter now. It had been a long time ago since someone asked him if he was okay. He was just about to answer but then...

"CAN'T PEOPLE JUST FOR FUCKING ONCE LEAVE ME ALONE AND MIND THEIR OWN DAMN BULLSHIT BUISNESS?!" he yelled.

He realized a moment to late what he had done. He wished that he could just grab those words and push them down his throat again where they belonged. But nope - the words were out, and Feliks had heard them.

"Holy...I guess there's no wonder you have no friends," said the Pole, suddenly looking dead serious instead of sparkly. He continued to walk and just like the boy before him and left Lovino frozen behind.

Lovino didn't even know what he was feeling. If he was mad, sad, confused or everything at once. All he knew was that he was not okay, and his body would have been shaking if it wasn't because he tried his very best to remain still.

_He left, he left, he left, he left, he left, he left, he left, he_

**Blonde guy (Feli's classmate): A minute**

**Feliks: A few seconds**

This math project would, without concurance, be the most damaging project ever in Lovino's life.

 

**_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

 

 

 Until Lovino reached the end of he day he had written twenty notes about people leaving him in the notebook. It didn't matter how or why they had left, just the idea about that they left him behind was enough to make him write it down. He felt silly doing this, maybe he was just being a paranoid and none of these people ment anything bad about leaving him, they probably just had to hurry to a class or visit the bathroom - but on the other hand the Pole's words make him think otherwise.

These people all left because they hated him.

There was no other way.

They all hated him.

He couldn't recall any time in his life when he had been so upset as when he got home after school, looked at those notes, remembered how all those twenty people had left him and that he knew that it was all his fault. His mad attitude scared them all off, not anything else. It was all him - all his fault. There was no one else to blame and it drove him absolutely insain to not have anybody else to yell at for causing this.

Feliciano wasn't at home. He was hanging out with his nazi boytoy (apperently that blonde dickhead knew a nice lake where they could swim, but Lovino knew that that was just a dumb exuse to see Feliciano topless). This left Lovino alone in the house.

He couldn't make up his mind if he wanted to add that as a note or not, but in the end he decided not to. He would never sink as low as feelng abdoned for being by himself in his own home. He was eighteen years old, he should just enjoy being alone at home and not need to worry about getting disturbed by his family.

Lovino threw himself at the bed. It was fluffy and warm, smelling just the way it should.

He wanted to be happy about being home again, but all he felt was broken and disapointed in himself. He was such a failure! If it would have been someone else's fault he would have yelled the crap out of them, but what do you do to punish yourself for fucking everything up?

Out of pure frustration he let out a loud scream into his pillow. It felt good. He did it again and again. He kicked with his legs, he punched with his fists. He twisted around in the bed for a long while like this. The bed creacked and the violent movements.

And then when he was done he just felt all empty.

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Feliciano didn't return in time for dinner which made Lovino eat by himself. Their parents were rarely at home so he didn't even expect them to come. If Lovino knew his brother right, which he was quite sure that he did, Feli would stay the night at the German's house (it was just hilarious that those two still denied their obvious relationship, thinking that anyone would belive that all they did when they slept at each other's houses was playing video games.. pffhh)

For the second night in a row this made Lovino log into the usual chatroom to see if anyone were there to keep him company. Luckily, there was this time.

 **Lovi_08** : Hey

 **Biird** : Hey

 **Biird:** I've been waiting for you, stranger.

 **Lovi_08** : ?????

 **Biird** : I've been alone in the chatroom for ages

 **Lovi_08** : Know the feeling

 **Biird** : So who are you?

 **Lovi_08** : Just a guy, age 18.

 **Biird** : Cool. I'm 20.

 **Lovi_08** : Where are you from?

 **Biird** : Prussia :D You?

 **Lovi_08** : Where the fuck is Prussia??

 **Lovi_08** : Never heard of it..

 **Biird** : ............

 **Biird** : Have you never heard of the awesome Prussia...???

 **Lovi_08** : No???? And I am Italian btw.

 **Biird** : Well tbh Prussia doesn't even exist anymore, but it used to so yeah..

 **Lovi_08** : lol that makes sense then

 **Biird** : i guess

 **Biird** : so... wyd?

 **Lovi_08** : finding company tbh

 **Biird** : huh?

 **Lovi_08** : idk, i just wanted to talk to someone

 **Biird** : Are you lonely or something? :/

 **Lovi_08** : I guess you could say that

 **Biird** : i used to be like that

 **Biird** : but now i have a few friends. they are awesome.

 **Lovi_08** : Must be nice I suppose

 **Biird** : Damn right!!

 **Biird** : Why are you loney then?

 **Lovi_08** : idek

 **Lovi_08** : my brother i suppose

 **Biird** : your brother?

 **Lovi_08** : yep

 **Biird** : My friend Birdie has the same problem

 **Lovi_08** : What do you mean??

 **Biird** : Ya know... getting pushed aside and stuff

 **Lovi_08** : Sorry to hear that :/

 **Lovi_08** : How did you meet?

 **Biird** : It was a mess

 **Biird** : I met Francis and Antonio at a hospital

 **Biird** : and we were all pretty much dying

 **Biird** : there was blood everywhere, not kidding

 **Biird** : and a few days later we met Birdie

 **Biird** : he was a patient on the same section

 **Biird** : and then we escaped the hospital together

 **Biird** : the end ~

 **Lovi_08** : Sound like a movie scene

 **Biird** : It indeed felt like

 **Lovi_08** : What did you do to all end up in the hospital?

 **Biird** : Bad stuff

 **Biird** : Sorry I need to leave. Let's talk some other time, you're cool

 **Lovi_08** : OK, see ya

And with that said Lovino was left again, but this time he didn't feel too bad about it. The Prussan guy wanted to talk to him again and that made him feel kind of good about himself. Someone wanted to talk to him!

Lovino had as usual forgot everything about time during his time on the web. The clock was already late and he decided to go to bed.

He brushed his teeth and then he sneaked in under the warm blanket. It was cozy and he couldn't help but to hate the thought of the moment he would need to get up from his bed again. That moment would come in a few hours - and then he ould need to go to school and face the same thing as yesterday again.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

_[Lovino, 12 years old]_

_"Lovino, can't we be at your place today?" asked Alfred._

_"Yeah, sure. My brother is at home though, so you'll have to bear with him too." said Lovino and started walking down the street._

_"No problem!" answered Alfred and looked cheerful as ever._

_They talked about the football match all the way home to the Vargas, about how epic Lovino's save had been and how Alfred's goal had been the coolest in the entire cup. Their team had improved so much lately and their spirits were on top.The Vargas house was small but cute. It was located in the outer part of the town on a comfortable distans from everything, not too close but not too far away. Lovino often had friends over. His house was the best to play "hide and seek" in, with its many weird cupboards and furniture to hide under.  
_

_Alfred was no good with "hide and seek". He was too loud to not be found. He wasn't a bad loser though, he just laughed it off and continued. This was one of Lovino's favorite things about Alfred, and Alfred was also an amazing Mario Kart player. He had helped Lovino to unlock almost all the_

_Lovino pulled out his keys out of the pocket and unlocked the door._

_"Feli, I am home!!" he shouted as he stepped in._

_"Okay!!" replied Feliciano from the floor upstairs._

_Alfred and Lovino begann by having a quick snack as they usually did after school before going up stairs. Alfred went straight into Lovino's room and started up the Mario game. They had done this so many times before that they both knew exactly in what order they would do things. First, snack - second, Mario Kart - third, Hide and Seek - fourth, talking about football._

_Alfred sat down on Lovino's bed next to Lovino. They started the game and played a few rounds. Alfred won every time but since it was Lovino's game it didn't bother him. Maybe, if Alfred continued to win so much, they could unlock the next level!_

_"Alfreeeed~?" said Feliciano and opened the door to his brothers room, "Could you help me with my game too?"  
_

_"What game?" asked Alfred without looking away from the TV-screen._

_"I don't know what it's called but it's difficult..." said Feliciano._

_When Lovino and Alfred had finished the round Alfred agreed to help Feli since he was the best video game player around right now. Lovino stayed in his own room and played a few rounds by himself while waiting for Alfred to return._

_But he didn't._

_Alfred stayed in Feliciano's room the entire evening and played Feli's new game. A cooler game. A more mature game, not as childish as Mario Kart._

_And that was probably the first time Lovino felt left behind._

 


	3. 339 notes in a week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ FROM HERE ON THINGS CAN GET TRIGGERING ~ 
> 
>  
> 
> Holy shit - it's so much easier to write in Gilbert's perspective than Lovino's!! o___o''  
> But I'm working hard on getting everything better, I'm not really saticfied about the chapters so far... I'm not used to write a real "beginning", usually I just start in the middle of the story and explain things along the way.. this story goes at a way slower pace than I am used to, with other words..
> 
> Please tell me if you have any tips for my writing to improve!

_Day 1: 20 notes_

_Day 2: 24 notes_

_Day 3: 30 notes_

_Day 4: 39 notes_

_Day 5: 47 notes_

_Day 6: 55 notes_

_Day 7: 123 notes_

Lovino sat on his bed, staring at his notebook but still not being able to read what it said. He couldn't belive this, he really couldn't. He sad started taking notes on the Thursday the last week, continued on the Friday, then he had been carrying the notebook with him during the whole next week and added notes for each time he got left behind.

_338 notes in seven days._

This couldn't be. No fucking way. He must have counted wrong or else he already become a complete paranoid.

Did people all those 338 times really leave him? Or did they just walk by? Did it just feel like they left him?

No, Lovino was sure he had done everything right! He had been so careful about taking notes properly to make sure the final result wouldn't lie. So - he had been left 338 times in one week. It couldn't be considered "just walking by" if they looked at him like if he was a freak. Because if really felt like they did! Lovino could feel their cold eyes stare at him, looking at him so intense that it felt like they could see all his thoughts and insides, and Lovino could almost hear their voices tell him how awful he was and how much better Feliciano was. Sometimes the voices were so intense that Lovino forgot they weren't real. They could surely have been real though - but their mouths didn't move.

On the Wednesday that happend, when he sat in the caffeteria and watched Feliciano have fun as usual. Then his eyes suddenly met Alfred's.

Their eyes didn't meet for very long, just a short moment, but it was more than enough for Lovino to tell what Alfred wanted to tell him.

 _"What are you staring at us for? Do you wish to join or what? Don't you know that you're over there by yourself for a reason, you idiot? It's because you're worthless and you are not near as funny as Feli. So stop dreaming already,"_ Alfred eyes had told him. Maybe it was Alfred's glasses that somehow reflected the messege and made Lovino hear it twice as loud as everybody else's, but anyhow Lovino had heard those words clearer than any eyes before.

Lovino had first been hurt and felt like running away from it all as quick as possible, but then his pride and insticts kicked in. He had to defend himself from that stupid American!

 _"You know what dickhead?! I don't need you either because you are all false bastards that are too full of yourself! Stop looking at me and leave me the fuck alone!"_ had Lovino screamed at Alfred before grabbing his bag and rushing away from the crowded caffeteria.

The whole caffeteria shut quiet for a while. Nobody seemed to have understood what just had happend, especially not Alfred. Even though Lovino was already far away down the hall he could hear the American's voice:

_"All I did was looking at him... Feli, has your brother gone mad?"_

Lovino was now crying at the memory of that moment. He couldn't belive it - Alfred used to be his best friend and was now being the most cruel bully of all time, and when Lovino tried to protect himself he had called him _mad._

Lovino wasn't mad. He was just more aware of everything now when he took notes on everything that happend. This scene had made Lovino feel so lonely that he thought it actually deserved two notes.

It was even harder to see the notes when he was both shaking and crying at the same time. The tears made his sight all blurry. Honestly it felt good to cry though, to not let his emotions out in rage for a change. And it didn't matter what he thought about the tears, they wouldn't stop flooding out of his eyes anyways.

They made his eyes sting, turned them redder and redder for each minute, rolled down his cheeks and fell of his chin, leaving marks behind them along the entire way from the eyes to the fall of the chin. It was like painting with sadness.

But even though he couldn't see them on the paper, the view of those notes hounted his memory. 338, 338, 338, 338,338. And it wasn't just that this was a terrificly high number - the amount of notes also seemed to increase every day. More and more people left him - every day. Would there be anything left by the end of the month or would that be the final result - that it took everybody a month until they all left him?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 **Lovi_08:** Hi

 **Biird:** Heyyyy you're back :D

 **Lovi_08** : Sorry I was busy

 **Biird** : It's OK. How have you been doing?

 **Lovi_08** : Don't ever fucking leave me please

 **Biird** : Huh?

 **Lovi_08** : I know that we are just strangers, but please just don't

 **Biird** : It's not like I planned to leave you???

 **Biird** : If anything you left me! You weren't in the chat for a week!

 **Lovi_08** : Everybody hate me

 **Biird** : .......

 **Biird** : I'm not sure what to answer to that but k sure, I won't leave you

 **Lovi_08** : good

 **Lovi_08** : tbh that was the only thing i needed to hear right now, so bye

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

It was a nice feeling to get outside for a while after the crying session. Frech air filled his lungs and made it easier to breath again. Lovino was out for a walk, just slowly along the harbour street. He watched the ocean and the people working in their fishing boats. It seemed so peaceful. It was truly hard to belive that just a few minutes ago a teenage boy had had his first panic attack in the house next to the candy store.

Lovino smiled a little and continued to walk. Maybe this was the right way to handle the sorrow and loneliness? Just a calm walk to think of something else...

Why couldn't all people with struggles solve it like this? Lovino had read many times in books and on the internet about people handling their sorrow by using drugs, cutting themselves and other things like that. It was just stupid, he thought, because those things will only make everything even worse.

_I'm never going to be one of those people._

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

**POV change: Gilbert**

Gilbert looked at the screen for a long while, even after the Italin boy had logged out from the chatroom.

 _Lovi_08: Everybody hate me_ , it said. The words seemed to familiar it almost scared him. It took Gilbert a while to figure out who else had said them to him once before, but he soon remembered it was Francis. It took Gilbert another few minutes before he had figured out the rest that moment. The memories were a bit unclear from those times, some of them were actually 100% gone. But Gilbert couldn't forget the first time he talked to his best friend.

Francis had slept for two days after his first night in the hospital. Neither him or Gilbert had gotten a minute of sleep that night.

Then, when he woke up in the morning, he turned over in his bed to look at his room mate. Gilbert had been awake for a while already but still looked like he had just woken up. His hair was a mess and there were dark shadows underneath his tired eyes. Francis didn't look too awesome either though. He looked even more like a mess but it was hard to put a finger on what made him look so messy. Maybe it was all just about the eyes; they were so emotional yet they seemed all empty. Just everything at once.

 _"Everybody hate me,"_ had Francis said after a long while of just looking at each other.

By that time Gilbert didn't know a lot about Francis, but he knew that it wasn't good and Francis wasn't okay in any possible way. Since Gilbert and Francis had stuck together ever since that morning, Gilbert now knew a lot of things about that messy french man that everybody hated. Even though Gilbert didn't have a lot of experience of that himself, he quickly learned that when someone say " _everybody hate me_ " that probably just means that they hate themselves - not everybody else, like they claim it to be.

Gilbert also learned very quickly that when someone hates themselves it means a lot of suffering for that person.

Gilbert had never seen someone suffer so much as when he had met Birdie a few days after meeting Francis and Antonio for the first time. All the poor boy could do was screaming about how much he wanted to die. It took the doctors many days to calm him down, and when they finally succeded all Birdie said was _"everybody hate me"_.

And now this random Italian stranger had said just the same thing.

Gilbert knew he had to do something, but he didn't know what. They probably lived far apart and they barely knew each other at all. All Gilbert knew about the other was his age, nationality and that he needed help. They didn't even know each other's names.

Gilbert picked up his phone from the table and clicked up the numbers to his friends.

_Hey guys. I'll need you to help me out with something. We have an Italian to save and we better hurry._

He clicked on the button to send the message to the others. Of course Gilbert himself didn't know it, but it was true - _they needed to hurry_.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

POV change: Lovino

The good feeling from the walk didn't last for very long. Lovino walked for fourty minutes before comming back to the house. When he did, he saw a familar car parked outside. It was the nazi boytoy's car. In an instant Lovino suddenly felt completely horrible again. He thought about maybe continue his walk to avoid Ludwig and Feliciano, but on the other hand he didn't want to run away. Pride and defense - as usual. And the German should not think he could throw Lovino out of his own house!

Lovino opened the door. It wasn't locked so it was just to walk straight in. Everything looked like it should and nothing was a mess. Apperently they were at least now throwing a party right now (it was Saturday though, so it was fully possible that they would do that later). It was almost so quiet and calm that Lovino sensed something was sneeky.

He started walking up the stairs when he realized what was going on.

"Shhh, Feli - you need to be quiet!" hissed the German's voice. Feliciano's voice whimped something in reply, sounding so strange hat it barely was regonizable that it was him. He didn't sound like the happy airhead he usually was, he sounded more like a needy slut.

Lovino didn't need many seconds to know what was going on and he needed even fewer seconds to make the decision to leave the house as quick as possible again. He ran down the stairs and out the door.

 _That's foul play you idiot,_ thought Lovino angrily as he begann to walk the same route as he had walked just a moment ago. If Ludwig was being mean to Lovino - it was fair play since Lovino could be mean back. If Ludwig ate all the food and made Lovino go buy his own - it was still fair play since Lovino could return the favour by not even buying any food at all for the next time Ludwig visited. But if Ludwig was sleeping with his brother - it was not fucking fair play. How was Lovino supposed to counter attack that?! To fuck Ludwig's brother?! Did Ludwig even have a brother?!

Lovino was mad about this. Not that it was a surprise that Ludwig and Feli were a couple, everybody already knew it, but it made Lovino sick to actually have _heard_ them "in action", if so to say.

When Lovino had walked the entire route again and stood outside the house - again, and the car was still there, he made up the decision to actually face the two idiots inside. They could impossibly still be at it after all this time.

Lovino walked into the house. It wasn't quiet anymore. He could hear their voices from Feliciano's room. They seemed to talk about something normal, based on that none of them sounded gasping or needy.

Lovino knocked on his brother's door.

"Bitch, just open," said Lovino when Feliciano didn't reply fast enough.

"Wait ~" mumled Feliciano and Lovino could hear his steps getting closer to the door. Feliciano opened.

He was wearing pants and a shirt, his hair looking just as it usually did. The weird curl was also looking completely normal.

"Did you want something particularly?" asked Feliciano. He didn't sound impatient or anything, just asking innocently as ever.

The innocent aura around his brother pissed him off. Why was he acting so innocent all the time? He was a friend-stealing slut! Nothing about that could ever be innocent. It was Feliciano's fault that Lovino was all alone, that everybody left him! The more Lovino saw his brother standing there in the door, the angrier he got at him. _It's his fault, it's his fault, it's his fault, it's his fault._

"DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE A FUCKING DISGUSTING PERSON, FELI?! SO DAMN FALSE, HIDING BEHIND THAT GROSS INNOCENE OF YOURS! WHY DON'T YOU JUST RUN OFF AND TELL YOU GODDAMN FANCLUB THAT YOU'RE A MEAN SLUT INSTEAD?!"

And that was all Lovino could say about the matter. That was the only thing he was capable of saying right now, speaking his mind without sugar coating anything.

"L-Lovi..." stuttered Feliciano. He looked deeply hurt, seeing at his brother with tearfilled eyes, "I-I don't know wh-what is going on with you right now... you've been acting s-so strange lately... Ha-Have I done anything wrong t-to make you m-mad at me?"

"YES YOU FUCKING HAVE. YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE FELI. RUINING IT."

Now Feliciano started crying. He didn't look as hystericly miserable as Lovino had done when he cried earlier that day. He just looked plain sad.

"The others were r-right... you're c-crazy..."

Ludwig rose from the bed behind them. He walked up to Feli and hugged him from behind. He said something in German, surely some cheesy bullshit like _it's not your fault, I'm here for you sweetie._ Lovino would have puked if he would have understood it, he was sure of that.

Ludwig gave Lovino a murdering look and closed the door at his face.

And then he was left alone again.

And it was his fault. Even though he had claimed it was all Feliciano's fault, he knew too well that it was nothing but his fault. _My fuck up. I fucked everything up again. I fucked everything up again. I fucking everything up again. I fucked everything up again._

He went into his room and picked up the notebook. His hands were shaking as he wrote down the terrifying number of 339.

_339._

 


	4. Poor Italian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first got the idea of this fanfic I didn't plan to give the BTT+Matthew such big roles, I just inteded it to be depressed!Romano x Spain but eh... yeah, it didn't turn out like that.
> 
> Also thanks for reading, it makes me so happy!! <33

Lovino couldn't sleep that night but he was also too tired to check the chatroom. Maybe he had been a bit cruel to that Prussian guy, leaving him wondering and probably worrying (whyever anyone would worry about a stranger though...). He decided that he was going to fix that later, but as for now all he did was laying on his bed and staring up in the cailing. It was white. But it was dark. So more like black. And it was boring.

_Maybe this counting days things isn't healthy for me. It has already caused me panic attacks. Some kind of panic attacks at least. People who get panic attacks often feel like they are about to die, have a heart attack or faint - and that's not what I experienced. But I guess it's still some kind of panic attacks? Whatever it was it wasn't fun. I don't ever want to feel like that again._

_But on the other hand... I want to see the result of this. I don't want to lie to myself anymore. I just want the truth about how people feel about me. And so far - they all hate me. Everybody hate me. Feli is probably not going to stay with me either for very long after all I've done to him. I'm' surprised he hasn't moved in with the nazi boytoy yet, to get away from me and so on..._

Lovino's thoughts went on like this, arguing with himself, trying to see things in different views, reflecting over life and trying to figure out what to do in the future. He couldn't make sense out of anything, it all just confused him even more. He was lucky though to have something else to fill up his mind with than the thought about going back to school the day after tomorrow. Thinking about school made him want to puke.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**POV change: Francis**

 

 **Francis** : Who's this Italian guy? What do we have to do?

Francis had recived a messege from Gilbert a few hours ago but didn't reply until now. He hoped that everything was alright, and he honestly thought it was. It wasn't unusual for Gilbert to send him, Antonio and Matthew messeges about "important matters", and in 99 cases out of 100 those matters where things like _"I'm bored", "I want candy"_ or " _I'm horny"._ But since Gilbert had a not-so-jolly past, Francis couldn't just ignore him if he said he needed something or they needed to hurry. To be fast or to be slow could be the matter between life and death, and all of them knew that better than most other people would ever do.

 **Gilbert** : I don't know

Francis sighed at the reply. Gilbert had sent several weird texts about an Italian this day. Was he drunk or something? High? Nah, he couldn't be... Sure, it was Saturday, but Francis knew Gilbert would never take the risk to relapse. Though Francis felt a bit uneasy. What if...? Francis heart started to beat faster at the thought and his mind was rushing through different scenarios of which Gilbert had relapsed and what he would do to save him.

Francis took a deep breath and calmed himself.

 **Francis** : Seriously Gil...?

 **Gilbert** : I am being serious. I don't know this guy and I don't know what to do. But I know he needs our help.

 **Francis** : Be honest with me, are you on something?

 **Gilbert** : I promise I am not!! (-.-'')

 **Francis** : Really?

 **Gilbert** : Will you listen to me or argue about this?

 **Francis** : I'll listen but get your shit together, you're giving me the impression of being high..

 **Gilbert** : Why don't you just come over if you don't belive me? I just don't know how to express this ok?

 **Francis** : OK, sure. I'm comming.

 **Gilbert** : I'll call the others too.

Francis was tired, but honestly it didn't matter at all. He wanted to meet Gilbert in person, make sure he was really okay.

Even though it was a long time ago they were in hospital and he knew both Gil, Antonio and Matthew were doing much better, Francis was still always nervous about the risks of them relapsing. Francis did still not care much about his own health, but the others were another deal. Francis wanted them to be safe. The slightest sign of any difference in their behavior made him crazy of worry.

He remembered that time when Matthew had a scratch mark on his arm. It was red while all the others had faded into a more neutral colour. Francis couldn't sleep for days because all he did was worrying about if Matthew had cut again or if it was really just an accident like he had claimed it to be.

Francis locked the door and walked out. The frech smell of the ocean filled his nose. It was wonderful to live so close by the ocean, to experience this every time he went out. He felt sorry for all the people who lived further away and had to walk half an hour to even see the harbour. The ocean was the perfect place to calm down by. Francis honestly didn't know what he would have done if he didn't have the water there. It seemed silly thinking about that all that was, was a huge amount of H20 molekyles - but they ment a lot to him.

He walked up the street and made a few turns into smaller streets until he arrived at Gilbert's place. He didn't even knock at the door, he just walked straight in like he usually did. This was like his second home. Most of the time Gilbert, Antonio and Matthew were at his place - but if not, they were always at Gilbert's place.

"Hey Francis", said Gilbert's brother. His name was Ludwig and he was a three years younger than Gilbert. He sat on the couch in the living room and watched a movie with his boyfriend Feliciano Vargas. Neither of the two seemed surprised at Francis arrival, they were used to having him comming at random times.

"Hey Ludwig, hey Feli. Is Gilbert upstairs?" asked Francis.

"Yes, I'm here!!" shouted Gilbert from his room.

Francis went upstairs and turned to the right where Gilbert's room was. It was quite small but cozy. Gilbert laid on the bed, looking at his phone.

"Toni and Birdie are on their way", reported Gilbert and put his phone down.

Francis went over and laid himself on the bed next to Gilbert. Then he put his head on Gilberts chest and Gilbert started stroking his hair. It wasn't unusal for them to lay like this. It might have seemed like a bit "too close" for being friends, but it was really just an old habit from their time in hospital. It started one night when Gilbert had woken up to the sound of Francis crying, and then he just decided to comfort him like this. They did this ritual every night until Francis was feeling better and didn't cry every night. After that this just became a way for them to show how thankful they were to have each other - in a friendly way.

"You don't seem high IRL..." mumled Francis and smiled slightly into Gilbert's chest.

"That's what I told you, dumbass", chuckled Gilbert to answer.

"Your texts were so weird and random that I couldn't resist but to wonder", chuckled Francis too.

"And what would you have done if I would have been high then? It's not like you haven't relapsed during all this time!" Gilbert still sounded like he was joking, but there was a slight hint of seriousness in his tone. It made Francis feel somewhat uneasy, because he knew it was true. Francis had relapsed a few times after getting out of the hospital, and knowing how much he worried about the others he felt guilty for making them worry that much about him too.

"Sorry...", mumled Francis and put his arm over Gilbert's chest to hug him.

"You know I'm not blaming you. Just keep it in mind that none of us are perfect and we could all make mistakes without getting ruined for ever", said Gilbert and hugged Francis back. Then they just shut quiet and enjoyed each other's company until the other two would arrive and they could start talking about the mysterious Italian.

Just like Francis, none of them knocked on the door but just walked straight in and went up to Gilbert's room.

"Hi guys", said Antonio when he opened the door. Matthew didn't say anything but just nodded and sat down on Gilbert's blue mat. The mat was Matthew's favorite place and he always sat there while the other three laid/sat on the bed all tangled together in a cuddly mess. Matthew was still a bit shy and wanted his own space, but now it was mainly because it was simply a part of his personality not because he felt unwanted.

"Did you want to talk about the Italian or something?" asked Antonio at last.

"Yeah", answered Gilbert.

"So who is he?"

"That's the thing - I don't know. I just talked to him in a chatroom for a while, and he seemed quite down and stuff... He said that he was getting pushed aside because of his brother and that everybody hated him. I don't know, he seems like a nice guy, so I have a hard time beliving anybody would hate him?" he explained.

Gilbert was one of those people who where cheerful and full of confidence most of the time, but then sometimes he just changed into a entirely knew person and became calm and caring. Francis had seen both of those sides so many times but he couldn't help but to get surprised at that this guy was the same as the one stupidly joking around and claiming everything he as "awesome".

"Oh okay... So all you know about him is that he's Italian?" asked Antonio.

"Yes. And that he's 18."

"He's the same age as we were when...-" started Francis but got interrupted by Gilbert.

"I know. That's why I kinda want to help him. He seems just like we were back then."

They all became quiet for a while, thinking about what had just been said and what they would do. How do you help anyone you don't even know the name of?This guy could live miles away, maybe not even in the same country? How do you help someone on the other side of the planet?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Lovino woke up at 12:30. Half of the Sunday was already gone, and that was a good thing considering that Lovino was feeling really low because of school the following day. They would have math as their first class. He would have to work with his project and stuff. He didn't want to do that in the classroom where everybody could see him and his break downs. Little miss back-stabber sitting next to him would not shut her mouth if she would see Lovino acting strange - and if Lovino would not be able to control his tears she would litteraly stand up on her chair and scream it out to the entire class:

_"Lovino Vargas is a crybaby!!"_

No, just no. Lovino didn't want that to happen, but how was he supposed to look at 339 notes about people leaving him - and not get affected by it? Not even the most emotionless person on Earth would just sit there like, _"Oh haha everybody hate me, who cares?"._

Could he possibly skip that class? Nah... Somebody would notice it and tell a teacher or something...

Lovino was walking back and fourth in his room, not being able to reach a conclusion to the problem.

There had been three hours like this now. He hadn't eaten lunch or breakfast. He just forgot all things like that while his head was all filled with his struggles. Then he just decided to take a shower, that could surely clear his mind at least a little bit.

He turned on the water and waited for it to get warmer. Then he stepped in an let the water soak his body. It felt nice, it really did. And it pressed his anxious thoughts out of his mind for the short while when he focused on the pouring water. But then they were there again.

 

_What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do?_

_Everybody hate me. Everybody hate me. Everybody hate me.  
_

_I hate me. I hate me. I hate me._

_I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up._

_I ruined everything. I ruined everything. I ruined everything._

_How do I punish myself? How do I punish myself?_

_**How do I punish myself?** _

 

And then he looked around in the shower and saw the razor laying among the shampoo bottles and stuff.

Slowly he picked it up, looked at it. Could he remove the blades out of the razor maybe? No, he couldn't do this. He had promised himself to never end up like those people. He was better than that.

Disgusted by his own thought he dropped the razor. It fell to the floor with a small sound of metal, plasic and stone floor.

 


	5. Bright smile, polite words, kind voice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to describe panic attacks, no matter if it's in text or talk - but I hope that you somewhat get the idea of the feeling that Lovino was feeling in this chapter ^^'' Sorry if it's a bit unclear...

_1\. no random yelling at people_

_2\. controll my emotions_

_3\. be nice to people  
_

_4\. not add any notes if not 100% necessary_

_5\. try to bond with Ludwig_

Lovino put down the pen and gave it a minute of thought if there were anything else to add to the list. Those wore things he would try to archive during the week. The fact that he had actually thought about cutting himself in the shower before made him somewhat realize that he needed to change something in his life. He couldn't go on like he this.

The two first points were obvious. The third one would be a bit more of a challange but it was worth a try. The fourth point was also worth a try, all he needed to do was so give it a second thought before adding any notes to prevent unnecessary panic attacks. And the fifth was just a very random idea that popped up into Lovino's mind as he wrote the list.

Lovino didn't actually hate Ludwig. He just hated that Ludwig stole his younger brother away from him, because no matter how much it could piss Lovino off, he still belived that it wasn't Feliciano's fault that he was so popular and made Lovino get shoved aside. It was the other's fault. They were the ones who not just left Lovino out and maybe somewhere along the way their opinions had taken its affect on Feliciano too, which made Feliciano think that Lovino was crazy too - but Lovino refused to belive that those were Feliciano's honest opinions. They just couldn't be after all fun they had had together while growing up and how much they had supported each other in the past.

So - Lovino's plan was to bond a bit with Ludwig. If he could do that, maybe Feliciano could forgive him for the many harsh words Lovino had thrown at him lately. Most of the fights the brothers had had lately had been about Ludwig, so if Lovino could just turn that pattern around Feliciano and Lovino would maybe not fight as much anymore.

And if Lovino didn't fight would Feliciano - maybe he would be welcome to hang out more often. (if he would manage to follow point 1,2 and 3 of course)

Lovino obviously had a lot of issues to work on, but he was saticfied with the list for the moment. Just by following those five points he could make a major difference in his everyday life! And how hard could it be? He just needed to brush up his behavior a bit and not act like an asshole!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 **Lovi_08** : Hey again! :)

 **Biird** : YOU'RE BACK :D

 **Lovi_08** : Yep

 **Biird** : How have you been? I missed you goddamit..

 **Lovi_08** : Really haha? I've been quite crappy tbh, but I just made up the perfect plan to turn things around.

 **Biird** : Oh well that sounds good I guess?

 **Lovi_08** : Yeah

 **Lovi_08** : I really hope it works tho

 **Lovi_08** : otherwise I'm screwed

 **Biird** : Why?

 **Lovi_08** : cuz then things will just go on as before and it sucks

 **Biird** : Man you're making me worry

 **Biird** : How are things really?

 **Lovi_08** : Idk, you're a stranger and you don't have to worry about me

 **Lovi_08** : I'm gonna be ok

 **Biird** : ....

 **Biird** : you just told me that you're screwed???

 **Lovi_08** : yeah, if i fuck this up

 **Lovi_08** : but i won't! my plan is going to work, i'm sure

 **Biird** : OK. I wish you the best then :)

 **Lovi_08** : Thanks

 **Biird** : But tbh i don't really consider you a stranger anymore

 **Biird** : i know we've only talked a few times but idk i just feel like you're a friend of mine

 **Lovi_08** : thanks i guess

 **Lovi_08** : you too

 **Lovi_08** : bcs tbh you are the only one that talks to me normally and i guess that's what friend do, right???

 **Biird** : Cool! So we're officially friends now...

 **Biird** : ... and thus i think you should tell me more about your life

 **Lovi_08** : Nahhhhh

 **Lovi_08** : I don't want to talk about it ;)

 **Biird** : You don't keep secrets from friend ya know >:(

 **Lovi_08** : Hah I'm a really crappy friend just telling you

 **Biird** : OK but shall I tell you a bit more about me then?

 **Lovi_08** : Sure!

 **Biird** : I'm Prussian, 20 y/o. I'm really awesome. Kinda albino, kinda just pale idek. I like beer and birds.

 **Biird** : and my dick is 5 meters

 **Lovi_08** : da fuq???? hahahahhh

 **Biird** : You don't have to tell me deep stuff, just tell me something about you, ok?

 **Lovi_08** : I'm Italian, 18 y/o. I'm not so awesome. Kinda tan, kinda just south European. I hate beer and birds.

 **Biird** : NO YOU DON'T

 **Biird** : HOW DARE YOU

 **Biird** : GILBIRD IS 100% CUTIE

 **Biird** : AND BEER IS 100% AMAZING

 **Lovi_08** : Lol just kidding

 **Lovi_08** : I like tomatoes and fotball

 **Biird** : STILL NOT OKAY

 **Biird** : But alright then, fine.

 **Biird** : Do you play fotball in a team or something?

 **Lovi_08** : Yeah, in the school team

 **Biird** : Ohhh right you're still in school

 **Biird** : You're so young lol

 **Lovi_08** : 2 years aren't that much???

 **Biird** : Yes they are, you're still in school after all!!

 **Lovi_08** : Yes?? So do you like fotball?

 **Biird** : Yeah. But Prussia doesn't have any teams since it doesn't really exist anymore..

 **Lovi_08** : So who do you support then?

 **Biird** : Germany I'd say. Or Bayern München.

 **Lovi_08** : Why do you even call yourself Prussian if Prussia doesn't exist anymore?

 **Biird** : ... IT STILL EXISTS TO ME

 **Biird** : IN MY HEART

 **Lovi_08** : #2deep4u

 **Lovi_08** : So for people who don't count Prussia, do they consider you German then?

 **Biird** : Mostly yes

 **Biird** : But I'm Prussian I promise

 **Lovi_08** : Fine, you're Prussian.

 **Biird** : Yeah. And you're Italian :D

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**POV change: Gilbert**

Gilbert laughed at their silly conversation. He liked Lovi (which he supposed was the name or at least somewhat close to the name of his cyber friend?). But Lovi also made him go nuts. It was obvious that Lovi wasn't doing very well, he even said it himself - but he also refused to tell Gilbert more about his life and his situation. Gilbert knew way to little about this guy to be able to help him, but he was absolutely desperate to do so. Why couldn't he just tell him a bit more?!

"You seem to be having fun", chuckled Antonio as he watched Gilbert laugh.  
"I am! He's funny!" said Gilbert, "But he's not very willing to give me more information about himself though." "Maybe he'll open up more eventually?" said Birdie and smiled. "Birdie, you should smile more often. It's cute", said Gilbert quickly before he continued to talk about the topic that the Canadian actually brought up, "But yes, I really hope so. I'm going to talk to him until he does. I can't just leave him until I know for sure that he's okay." Francis moved a bit on the bed and laid himself in a more comfortable position. "Don't you think we should create our own accounts in that chatroom and talk to him all together?" he asked. "That's a good idea. We could form a groupchat, right?" said Antonio. "Great. Let's do it!" Gilbert helped the other to create their own account in the chatroom. It took them a while because Francis had a hard time to pick a pretty username, but at last they all had their own account to use.  
Biird, LeFrancis, Tonitomato and Mapleboy were now ready to take Lovi_08 on and save him.They were really amazed about how epic and awesome that sounded that they started to talk about scenarios in which they were praised as life savers in the media instead of actually planning on what they would do in order to get close to Lovi and make him entrust them with his struggles. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

**POV change: Lovino**

Lovino felt more confident than before walking to school that day. He felt handsome and unstoppable. All he had to do was to follow the five steps he had listed this morning and then all his problems would be solved. He was a genius!

He opened the gates to the school building and walked straight in without anxiously standing outside for five minutes before daring to do it.

_I'm a genius. I'm a genius. I'm a genius._

He stopped by his locker and picked his math supplies. Next to him stood the blond boy from before, searching for something in his own locker. Lovino couldn't remember the name of the boy, just that he was in the same class as Feliciano. Had the boy even said his name before?

"Exuse me, what's you name?" asked Lovino. He was instantly surprised at how polite he sounded. _Way to go!,_ he thought to himself and felt saticfied. He just had to keep this up for the rest of the day, and then also the rest of the week. It shouldn't be too difficult, and he even nailed the new politeness at first try without sounding too awkward or stiff!

"Ohhh, you're Feliciano's brother from the other day, aren't you?" said the boy.

"Yes I am!" said Lovino and smiled brightly. It felt unusual. He wasn't used to smile, especially not brightly at a stranger. He couldn't decide if he felt hurt about only being known at "Feliciano's brother" or not - but he tried to remind himself that a part of his plan was to become better friends with Feli again, so he couldn't be mad about something like this.

"He has talked a lot about you. You're Lovino, right? I am Eduard von Bock!"

Lovino took a deep breath. _Calm down. Just because he talks about me doesn't mean he says bad things_. Lovino put on the bright smile again and tried to shake the uneasy feeling off.

"Nice to meet to Eduard. I didn't know you were friends with my brother. I guess I'll see you more in the future then?" said Lovino.

He felt uncomfortable. Those words didn't seem to belong to him. They felt wrong. It felt like someone had taken that way-to-polite Japanese boy's words and somehow just made Lovino say them instead. Maybe he wasn't as polite and kind as he thought he was, but it felt wrong anyways. It wasn't him. It was too fake. Too perfect. Too much. Lovino didn't like it - but it was a part of his plan and he couldn't just give up after the first try because it felt uncomfortable.

 

"Cool. If you ever want me something and you don't find me around Feliciano, you could also find me around Toris, Raivis and Feliks", said Eduard and pushed his glasses a bit higher up on his nose, "I need to go now, my class is starting. See you around!"

Eduard walked off but it didn't make Lovino want to cry this time. Lovino didn't even make a note about it.

Lovino walked to his own classroom after that. They hadn't started yet but were just about to do so. He sat down on his seat in the back of the classroom, next to Little miss back-stabber. She seemed to have forgotten to bring her pen case. He hated the girl for what she had done before and that she looked all cute but was actually just a traitor, but maybe he could try his new personality and see if it worked on her too...?

He leaned over to get closer to her bench and whispered:

"Hey, Natasha! Have you forgotten your pen case?"

"Yes I have. Are you going to make fun of me because of it?" she said coldly and gave Lovino a murdering gaze.

"Actually not. I have an extra pencil and I thought that maybe you would like to borrow it?"

_Kind voice. Polite words. Bright smile. Deep breath - and then just keep your shit together._

The girl looked surprised. Then she showed a small hint of a smile towards Lovino and nodded.

"Thank you, Vargas", she whispered at last.

Lovino opened his own pen case and picked a pen out of it. He handed it over to Natasha and then turned away before he had realized what he had done. He was acutally a bit disgusted at himself for being so fake, but others seemed to like him better this way.

"Listen up class! Most of you seem to have some kind of idea about what kind of project you're going to work on by now - for you it's just to continue. I have nothing else to say right now. And if you haven't still got a clue about what you want to do, please raise your hand and I'll help you to figure something out", said the teacher and clapped her hands together.

Lovino didn't want to, but he decided to give it a try to organize his notes.

_340._

Wow, that was a high number... Lovino took a deep breath, calming himself. It was true that it was a high number, but after all it wouldn't increase anything from now on since everybody would start to like him. He would just have to learn to handle the number of 340 to finish this project, that was all.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Lovino felt a bit creepy, but during the break he actually went to check on Ludwig's schedule to find a good time to meet him alone. The only time they could do that was at 11 o'clock when both of them had a ten minutes long break between their lessons.

When the time came Lovino hurried to get to the hallway where he knew Ludwig had his locker. When he found it he just waited there until the blonde German arrived.

"Lovino?" he said when he saw the waiting Italian.

"Hi Ludwig", said Lovino.

"Can I help you with something?" Ludwig opened his locker and started to collect his things.

"Ehh... yeah, kind of. I know that we haven't been able to get along very well before, but I just wanted to apologize for that. I thought that maybe we could just... you know... start over?" said Lovino.

Ludwig just stared at him when Lovino said that. He didn't seem to quite be able to belive it, and neither could Lovino honestly. They just stood there and stared at each other for a what felt like ages before Ludwig finally said something.

"Well... I guess that sounds like a good idea. For Feli's sake we better get along, right?" he said.

"Cool."

Lovino reached out his hand towards the taller guy. Ludwig took his hand and they shoke them together. Then Ludwig hurried away to his English class and Lovino did the same but to his science class.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The lunch break was to become the most challanging time of the day. This was the place where all people gathered at the same time and Lovino would have to keep his new personality together and talk to Feliciano.

He couldn't lie to himself about it - he was more nervous than he had been in ages! He was sweating and he couldn't think straight. All he could think about was which words would be fitting to use when talking to a lot of people and when talking to his brother.

When he arrived at the caffeteria they were all already there. Feliciano, Ludwig, Alfred, Edguar, Feliks, Toris, Elisabetha, Kiku and even the weird Nordic kids were there! And the most feared guy in entire school - IVAN - was there! And the Asian look-alikes were there! They were all there! All of them. All crowded together in the small caffeteria. Speaking to each other. Casually. Naturally. Friendly.

Lovino tried to make sense of the words they were saying to each other, but everything just got dizzed together into a big mess. Nothing made sense anymore. Everything was just happening and Lovino couldn't do anything about it. He had absolutely _zero_ power here. It made him feel weak. It made him shake. He was just a nobody here but he had to act like somebody. He had to see how the others were acting, then he had to do the same.

"H-hello Feli", he stuttered and walked over to his brother, sitting in the middle of the crowd.

"Lovi? It's so rare that you talk to me in school~!" said Feliciano and smiled as he usually did.

"Hi everyone. I thought that if you are okay with it maybe I could join your table today. Is that okay with you all? I don't want to be bothersome", said Lovino and looked at all the people surrounding his brother. How could Feliciano not become stressed out about all this?

"Ehh... Sure. Welcome."

Lovino sat down at a chair. He tried to hear what the others were saying. It made no sense. But somehow he still replied.

_Smile bright. Polite words. Kind voice. Polite words. Smile bright. Polite words. Kind voice. Kind voice. Smile bright. Polite words._

_It's never ending. It goes on, and on, and on, and on. Every second like this feels like a thousand years. It feel wrong. It feels wrong. It feels wrong.  
_

"This doesn't quite seem like your personality!" said Feliciano at last, "Are you really okay?"

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_"This doesn't quite seem like your personality!"_

Then everything froze. Lovino didn't feel like he was overheating anymore. He felt ice cold. Nothing was dizzing around in his head anymore. It all just stood still. Like if timed stopped.

"Yes, I'm okay" he said and smiled brightly.

He couldn't feel that tears were streaming down his cheeks.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

He closed the bathroom door, making him all alone at last - in his own safe home where there was no people to impress.

He had never been happier to be at home. Yet he had never felt crappier in his entire life.

Tears were still flooding from his eyes but they hid among the water pouring from the shower and his breath was heavy and uneven. He felt like he had to gasp for air to be able to get enough oxygen. He would die otherwise. Yes, it felt like would die. His shaking legs wouldn't carry him anymore, his lungs couldn't get enough air, his eyes couldn't cry enough tears.

Soon he would just explode, he knew that.

_They love the polite me. The hate the angry me._

_Being polite is not the real me. Being angry is not the real me._

_Have they ever met the real me?_

_Have I ever met the real me?_

_If none of those are the the real me_

_Then what is?_

_What am I?_

_Who am I?_

_What should I do?_

__I fuck everything up no matter what I do._ _

 

__I fuck everything up no matter what I do._ _

__I fuck everything up no matter what I do._ _

_It doesn't even matter what I do anymore_ _._

_IT DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING MATTER ANYMORE._

 

Lovino just lost it at this point. This was the official moment when Lovino just gave it all up.

This was the moment when Lovino picked up the razor from the box with the shampoo and stuff, removed the blades from it.

**And this time he didn't drop it at the floor again.**

 


	6. The boy in the bathroom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TW ON THIS ONE

POV change: Matthew

Firstly, there was a fear of dying.

Secondly, there was an absolute desire to die. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_• The fear of dying • Matthew, age 16 •_

_Usually, people's chests rise a bit up and down at they breath, but right now Matthew just couldn't. It felt like something was stuck in his chest. It was heavy. So heavy that it held his lungs down, making them unable to fill themselves with air. It had been like that for a while now._

_"I'm going to die", whispered Matthew. He wanted to scream it so that Alfred could hear him, but with no air in his lungs he couldn't either speak. So he just stood there, in the middle of his room, with his petite fingers scratching over the area where the heaviness was felt. There wasn't really anything else he could do. He was completely helpless like this - but somehow he had an idea that he could scratch the heaviness away so he continued doing so._

_And oh how he scratched. His nails dug ever deeper into his skin and the otherwisely fair and even skin became redder and redder wherever the nails had run. It didn't take Matthew too long until he was bleeding, but he barely noticed it himself. His mind was too dizzy to react to the slow tracks of blood running down his chest and falling onto his clothes and floor._

_"Alfred!" he gasped, but once again the sound of his voice was too weak to reach his brother, "Alfred!! Help!"_

_Then he saw the blood. Things were still blurry, but there was no doubt that he was bleeding. And as soon as he saw the blood, he also realized the pain. It hurt, almost burned, in his chest area._

_But after all, this was probably the way it was supposed to be. Matthew deserved it, otherwise none of this would ever had happend in the first place. Matthew hated that he deserved it and had tried to do everything standing in his might to change himself into someone - something - that didn't deserve the pain and the struggles. He had been so desperate to be something likable that nobody would ever want to hurt, but no matter what he did, it wasn't enough to become someone else. And it made him so frustrated, so comptely sad and angry at the same time, that he couldn't keep himself together anymore._

_So he gave it all up._

_He had just stopped trying and let everything happen. But here he was, probably in his final moments before the lack of oxygen would kill him, and regretted everything - the mistakes, the tears, the cuts, the lost friends, the bullies, the pain and that he let himself give up. If he would have known that he would die today, he would never have let all those things consume three years of his life! Now all that he wanted was to breath._

_I want to live, I want to live, I want to live, I want to live._

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_• The absolute desire to die • Matthew, age 17 •_

_His heart was pounding harder than ever before. He stood in the school's bathroom on the fifth floor. It was small but it was the best one since it was a complete bathroom with its own handwasher and mirror so that Matthew didn't have to face any other people outside._

_He had made up his mind. He had had enough. He had seen his ugly face for the last time. He had heard his ugly voice for the last time. He had failed people for the last time. He had cried himself to sleep for the last time. He had embarrassed himself for the last time. It was all going to end!_

_Matthew may have hoped that his death would have been a little bit fancier than in a school bathroom, but that didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was that he was finally going to die._

_Matthew placed his bag on the closed toilet and started looking in it. His blades were there as usual, waiting for him to grab them and use them._

_Matthew rolled his shirt up, exposing the bare skin of his arms. But honestly it could barely count as skin anymore, since all there was were many, oh so many, wounds and scars left from other times he had felt the need to escape. He took one of them and placed them on top of his left arm. And then he let the sharp metal slice through him. Once, twice and then just kept going. By each time he put a little bit more pressure onto the blade, making it go just a little bit deeper, making him bleeding just a little bit more. And so he worked his way closer to the end. And it felt so right!_

_Matthew cried at the pain and how miserable he was, but at the same time he smiled - almosy laughed - because he knew that this was going to be the last time and soon he would get set free. So it didn't matter what a failure he had been or how much it hurt, it was all worth it to finally end it! The sight of blood didn't scare him anymore. He was used to it. He just let it pour out into a bloody mess. He smiled at the thought that this time he would need to face any shame as he cleaned everything up afterwards. That was usually the worst part otherwisely._

_He was feeling dizzier and dizzier by now. The blood lost had started to take its affect on him. It made him even more motivated to continue. But then..._

_"OH MY GOD! LOOK! THERE'S BLOOD COMMING FROM THE BATHROOM!" screamed a girl's voice._

_"Oh... someone's having a heavy flow-day I suppose!" joked another girl's voice and laughed. "It's not funny! No way that's someone's period, what are you thinking?!"_

_"Calm down Erika! It could be someone who's just washing their hands after art class or something?"_

_"Maybe, but still!"_

_"Just go check on them then, I don't know!"_

_"I will. Stay here, okay?"_

_And the girl walked towards the bathroom. Red liquid was sippering out underneath the door. There wasn't a lot of it, but absolutely noticeable and it wasn't someone's period. As the walked closer her pulse rose. What would she do if someone was seriously hurt in there after all? She stopped just outside the door and knocked at it._

_"E-exuse me? Are you okay in there?" she said._

_"Yeah!" answered a weak voice from the inside. The girl didn't regonize it but she heard that it was a boy._

_"Are you sure? Because there's something that looks like blood leaking from the door, you know!"_

_The boy was quiet for a second before he started to laugh nervously from the inside._

_"O-oh really?" was all that he said. He didn't sound clueless, but more like he was exusing himself for something. The girl didn't buy it. She wanted to know for sure that whoever was in there, that person was okay. Otherwise she would maybe have to live with someone's life on her guilt for the rest of her life!_

_"I know this might be rude, but I don't get the idea that you are actually peeing right now, so would you mind opening the door?" she asked._

_"N-no!" he replied quickly._

_"I'm terribly sorry, but I must insist that you do! Or else I'll get a teacher to open the door by force!"_

_The boy didn't answer. She stood outside the door and waited even though she knew that she would be late for the next class if she stayed any longer. But no matter how much of a straight A-student she was, she couldn't just leave him now. This could, in the worst case, be a matter of life and death. And she tried to prepare herself for what she might see if the boy opened the door, but nothing in the entire world could have prepared her for was she actually saw._

_The door opened, and in the small bathroom, there was a blonde boy standing in the middle of what looked like a murder scene, with his arms sliced all open in different directions and blood all over the place. She couldn't help but to scream._

_"PLEASE CALM DOWN! SHHH!" Matthew desperatly yelled at her. If she would scream like this somebody would come running and - oh no._

_There was footsteps in the stairs and soon one of the science teachers apeard. He looked upset and glared angrily at the blonde girl standing outside the bathroom, just staring at the boy inside._

_"Miss Vogel, what are you up to?" he said._

_The girl started to cry and with a shaky finger she just pointed at the bathroom. The teacher couldn't see what was inside from the direction of which he came from, but as soon as he took a few steps further he saw everything._

_"What on Earth?" he gasped._

_Matthew felt so exposed. He had never shown anyone this side of himself, and he had hoped that he would never had to do that either. He just wanted to shut the door and continue until he was dead so that he wouldn't have to face what was heading for him in a horrific speed - but he couldn't move. He just stood there, still with the razor blade in his hand, and stared at the two outside just the same way as they stared at him._

_"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET OUT OF THERE, RIGHT NOW."_

_Matthew still couldn't do anything. The only sign that made him aware that he was still actually alive was that he could feel the tickling feeling of blood sippering out of his arm._

_"GET OUT I SAID."_

_It only took the upset teacher another second before he rushed into the bathroom and grabbed Matthew's shirt and by force pulled him out. Now the two could see what was going on even closer and they just stared. Their eyes were burning into Matthew's soul and right now what worried him the most wasn't that they saw his suicide attempt - but that they saw how ugly he was._

_"Please don't look at me...", he begged and started hulking again. Right now he couldn't laugh the pain and sorrow away with that he knew it's soon all gonna end - because now he wasn't certain anymore. And it made all the emotions run over him once again, with absolutely no chance to avoid them. They just crashed onto him, pushing him over, leaving him crying on the floor - and shameless enough to let a first year girl help him up and ruin her cute clothing._

_"Miss Vogel, go and catch some help, I'll stay with him here", commanded the teacher. He tried to sound experienced and calm, but it was obvious how scared he was. The girl lead Matthew's weak body over to the teacher before letting go of him and running away to find someone to help them._

_"Your name is Williams, right?" asked the teacher and took a firm grip around Matthew to not let him fall onto the floor again._

_"Yeah..." whispered Matthew between his hulking._

_"Can you hear my voice clearly?"_

_"Yeah..."_

_"Good. Just hang in there, we'll soon get you some proper help!"_

_"Please don't."_

_"What?"_

_"Please don't help me. Just let me die here, okay?" begged Matthew but the teacher didn't have the time to answer him anything before the girl and whole bunch of people, both teachers and curious students that had followed them even though they were told not to, came running._

_"What's going on here?" asked the English teacher._

_"Miss Vogel said that -"_

_"HOLY SHIT LOOK AT HIM!! IT'S TRUE - HE'S DYING" screamed some student in the crowd._ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Matthew honestly couldn't remember a lot what happend after that. He had been told afterwards that he became too dizzy to stand and talk, and then he got sent to the emergency hospital. In the emergency hospital the doctors instantly gave him some extra blood and sewed his wounds shut again. But those could have been a lie without Matthew knowing anything, because just like they said - he was very dizzy at the time.

But as soon as he gained his senses back, things started to change again. The doctors let him leave his hospital bed and visit the other patients in the room next door. And in that room, there were three guys that would change his life. Their names were Francis, Gilbert and Antoino.


	7. Behind the closed door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi ~  
> I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've been busy and then there was the Christmas holiday and you name it... I'm thinking that maybe I'll post a chapter a week in the future, maybe on Fridays but I'm not sure yet... Unless I get some sudden rush of inspiration and want to write more than once a week.
> 
> Also thank you for reading this far! ^^
> 
> This chapter was kind of random and pointless - but I just wanted to write something so yep x)

**POV change: Lovino**

Lovino wasn't even sure how to do it. He just held the blade in his hand and stared at it. Was he just supposed to put it on his arm and let it slide across his skin? Was that all? Actually, that felt pretty lame. It just seemed to be too easy compared to how much of a big deal people made about it. However, he couldn't think of any other way to do it. To cut he must... cut. Super simple.

Lovino changed the grip of the metal piece. Then he did just what he had thought to do. He placed it on his left arm and then he just let it slide. It actually didn't hurt.

"Well now, this is pointless...", he thought to himself.

But even though he didn't feel any pain, he had made a cut. The thing about sharp blades is that they make so clean cuts that you can't even feel the pain. But the do cut, no doubt about it.

Lovino just stared at his arm. Had he done something wrong? Didn't he press hard enough?

He made another try and put slightly more pressure onto the blade. It didn't really hurt this time either, but at least he could feel it. It felt weird. The metal blade was cold and made a contrast to the warm skin.

Lovino still couldn't see the cuts, but this time he was sure something must have been done. So to find out, he took his right hand onto the arm and with his fingers he slightly spread the skin apart.

Wow, now things got obvious. Both the first and the second cut had left marks, they were just too clean to even be visible - but when the skin was pulled apart blood got visible inside and a few drops ran out of the deeper one. Then Lovino let go of the skin and the wounds instantly closed shut again, just leaving the tiny amount of blood there to sign about the happening.

Lovino gave the door a sudden glaze to make sure it was still closed, locked and that nobody was just randomly standing there and saw him doing those things. To hell with masturbation and the diary he used to write in when he was twelve - this felt far more private and he didn't want to get caught for anything in the world.

Then, when he had made sure he was all alone and safe - he decided to continue.

This wasn't too much of a big deal actually, but he did enjoy it for some reason. It was somewhat calming.

He took the blade again, put it on his arm, and let it slide.

Once more.

Once more.

And once more.

After three times he spreaded the skin, just like the first time, seeing just the same result. There wasn't a lot of blood, just a little bit, like a few drops. He had seen far worse, for example when he fell on the football practise and when he accidently cut his finger when he was cutting bread.

When he had made seven cuts he felt done. He turned the water on and cleaned the wounds and the blade and washed the blood away. Then he took a towel and just dried the water off and hurried over to his room where he put on a long sleeved shirt, just in case.

He laid down on the bed and just breathed. He didn't feel bad anymore. He just felt kind of empty or even happy.

Thinking about it, he realized why. When he cut, that was all he focused about. He focused on the feeling, the cold metal, the non-existing pain, the outcome, the blood and the feeling of a single blood drop trailing down his arm. He didn't think about school or his miserable existence. And even though it was just for a while, being happy was so rare that "just for a while" ment a freaking lot to him!

So then he decided that this was not the last time.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 **Lovi_08** : Hey

 **Biird** : Look whos' back!! :'D

 **Lovi_08** : You say that every time! Don't you ever do anything but online chatting?

 **Biird** : Pfhh of course I do!

 **Biird** : But you are always the one to leave me, and thus you are always the one comming back, right?

 **Lovi_08** : I guess lol

 **Biird** : But it's strange that we are always here at the same time tho

 **Biird** : Isn't there a time difference between us?

 **Lovi_08** : Idk honestly

 **Biird** : Like, do you live in Italy or are you just Italian? O__o

 **Lovi_08** : Yeah, I live in Italy.

 **Lovi_08** : Do you live in Germany?

 **Biird** : *Prussia

 **Lovi_08** : Prussia doesn't exist dude

 **Biird** : We've talked about this

 **Biird** : PRUSSIA DOES EXIST

 **Lovi_08** : K then

 **Lovi_08** : So you live in Prussia?

 **Biird** : Actually "Prussia" is now a part of Russia

 **Biird** : But I don't live there

 **Biird** : because omg who the fuck wants to be Russian???

 **Lovi_08** : There's a guy in my school named Ivan

 **Lovi_08** : He's Russian

 **Lovi_08** : and also scary as fuck

 **Biird** : Are all Russians named Josef or Ivan or something?

 **Lovi_08** : Huh???

 **Biird** : Idk, I'm just thinking that the only Russian I know is also named Ivan

 **Biird** : and I feel like all dictators ever in Russia have been named Josef

 **Lovi_08** : Just because the dictators in Russia are named Josed it doesn't mean everybody are, you know??

 **Biird** : DON'T QUESTION MY LOGIC

 **Lovi_08** : So in today's lesson we've learned that Prussia exists, but Prussia is actually Russia, and Russians are scary and always named Josed of Ivan?

 **Biird** : DAMN RIGHT YOUNG ONE

 **Lovi_08** : But seriously, where do you live?

 **Biird** : It's also in Italy but it's like super international here so it doesn't feel like Italy

 **Biird** : ...other than the climate

 **Lovi_08** : Nice!

 **Lovi_08** : I have to go now, bye!

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**POV change: Matthew**

"So... how did it go, Gil?", he asked.

Judged on the gestures of the white haired Prussian it didn't go too well. Gilbert did some silly faces and pulled his hair out of pure rage.

"TELL BE BIRDIE, WHY DOES HE ALWAYS AVOID MY QUESTIONS?!"

Matthew laughed at his friend's behaivor and slightly tapped his shoulder to calm him down a little bit.

"It's okay, Gil, it's okay... He will probably tell you in a matter of time."

Gilbert and Matthew sat in Gilbert's room as usual and chilled. Gilbert had been on his computer so they had been quite unsocial for a while but Matthew didn't mind. Matthew had borrowed one of Gilbert's sport magazines and entertained himself with that for the time being. He liked the ice hockey section the best but actually he found the football section just fine too.

Sometimes in the summer he, Gilbert, Antoino and Francis went out and played football on the local court. It was actually very fun, even though Matthew and Fracis were really bad at it. Also, Matthew and Francis never bothered to learn the rules so they just randomly ran around and tried to kick the ball before either Gil or Antoino managed to get it. If any of those two would even touch the ball, Matthew and Fracis knew that they would loose.  The other two always had some amazing moves to trick them off and just score however they wanted.

But then of course, their matches were rarely finished anyways. As soon as the clock was around four the students would be done in school and come over to the court to practise with their school team or play with their friends - and for some reason those damn kids thought they owned the court just because they were like ten people and the others were just four.

"Hey Birdie... How do you feel about this mission? Am I overdoing it?" asked Gilbert.

"What? Uh... No, I don't think so. Maybe a little, because I feel like we don't really know if he's actually being as broken as you think - but on the other hand I know those things are very important to you. And such things are very close to heart for me too, so I don't judge that you are worried", Matthew answered. He smiled slightly at the other boy and tilted his head innocently.

"Hm... Yeah. That's true..." said Gilbert thoughtfully before continuing, "You know, I just don't want him to end up like us. Right now he may be fine, just a little insecure or something, but who knows? Maybe his situation will get worse eventually? And if something would happen to him, I'd feel like it's my fault because I didn't do anything before it was too late!"

"Your kindness is very awesome, Gil!" giggled Matthew.

"THANK YOU, BIRDIE. IT MEANS A LOT TO HEAR THAT!" Gilbert burst out.

He always shined up like a little sun at statement like those, especially if they included the word 'awsome'. It seemed to be Gilbert's life goal to be awesome, as well as that he wanted to be remembered as awesome after his death. Matthew couldn't help but to shine up just as bright whenever Gilbert did, for two reasons - number 1: seeing Gilbert happy made himself happy too, number 2: if Gilbert's happiness was also caused by something that Matthew had said or done it increased Matthew's happiness even further.

Gilbert had always made Matthew happy, even when he didn't even try. Gilbert had been the one to suddenly apear at the door step in the middle of the night, just to tell Matthew that he was important. Or tell him something random that made them both laugh for ages, for example "if a snake would eat itself - where would the snake go in the end?", as he had said a night in April the previous year.

Gilbert made Matthew laugh and smile, feel important and wanted, and kept him alive when Matthew himself didn't know how.

And Matthew loved him.

 

 


	8. Once upon a time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I don't really have any inspiration right now it's kinda difficult to write, but I'll try to put something together. If you have any ideas about what you think would be nice to add to the story, please comment because I honestly need some inspiration right now >.

**POV change: Lovino**

Honestly nothing really changed in Lovino's life for a while after his selfharm debut. Things just kept going in the same direction as before.

He went to school, he avoided people, he was rude as ever, he added his notes, he complained about his brother's nazi boytoy, he felt like shit, he walked the route by the harbour and he cut himself whenever he needed a quick break from reality.

Sometimes when he went to bed he started questioning his existence, but by the time he woke up again he had forgotten about those thoughts and everything just repeated itself again. But when he laid there after (possibly) a long crying session he just couldn't help but to question if it was worth it. Was this really what a life was supposed to be like? Is this all life is? For how long could he keep going like this?

His arms had started to look more and more like a zebra-inspired warpaint, with red stripes sleaping along them in some abstract patterns. It honestly didn't bother him too much. All he had to do was wearing a long sleaved shirt and then he was just good to go.

Sometimes he wished that someone could see his warpaint though. Or at least just see a small hint of it. Maybe that give people a clue about how he was feeling. But it was all just a silent little wish, because he knew by logic that it was impossible for him to show anyone. It would just make things worse, and honestly people would probably not give a shit about him anyways.

And talking about not giving a shit - Feliciano would probably give the least shits of them all.

He was rarely at home these days. It wasn't a surprise though, since he had gradually started to spend more and more time with Ludwig for the past months. But not he seeme to have reached the point where he pretty much lived at Ludwig's place.

Lovino tried to not think about it too much. He didn't want to know what they did there, but after the accident a few weeks ago, he sure had some kind of idea about it though. But honestly, Lovino had more important things to worry about these days than his brother's social life. For example - his own social life.

The only social contact he had these days was chatting with the Prussian guy and his friends. They had gotten to know each other better and better lately.

Those were nice guys, he thought. Or at least they seemed like.

Sometimes the thought of meeting them hit him. After all, they did live in the same country. 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Biird: Heyyyy Lovinooooo

Lovi_08: Heyyyy Gil

Mapleboy: Hi Lovi

Lovi_08: Oh, you're here too Matt?

Mapleboy: Yeah

Lovi_08: So what are you guys doing?

Biird: Guess *eyebrow wiggle*

Lovi_08: GIL NO

Biird: lol

Mapleboy: I'm sitting at home

Mapleboy: as usual

Mapleboy: being the productive adult i always am

Lovi_08: I should probably do some homework

Lovi_08: but ain't nobody got time for that

Lovi_08: or more like ain't nobody got patience for that

Biird: Feel yah I used to be so lazy in high school

Mapleboy: You weren't lazy Gil, you just had other priorities

Biird: Shhhhhh don't say anything

Lovi_08: Did you two go to the same high school?

Biird: Nope

Mapleboy: No

Mapleboy: But we got to know each other by the time though

Lovi_08: RIGHT!

Lovi_08: I think Gil mentioned how you met the first time we spoke

Mapleboy: really...???

Biird: I TOTALLY FORGOT BUT NOW I REMEMBER

Biird: I DID TELL YOU

Biird: ABOUT OUR ADVENTURES

Lovi_08: No, you just told me that you escaped a hospital together

Mapleboy: Oh yes we did hahah

Biird: It was epic

Lovi_08: Tell me more about it, i wanna know lol

Biird: You're just a kid son, you're too young for action movies

Lovi_08: ... Gil...

Biird: OK then

Biird: Once upon a time...

Mapleboy: DOn't do this Gil, just tell him

Biird: You're totally ruining my storytelling mode Birdie

Lovi_08: Birdie???

Mapleboy: I am Birdie

Lovi_08: ???????

Mapleboy: He calls me Birde

Lovi_08: But Gil, you're the one named Biird?

Biird: WILL YOU TWO STOP RUINING MY STORYTELLING??

Mapleboy: No hahah :D

Biird: you sure are demon like despite your cute looks

Lovi_08: But why do you call him Birdie?

Biird: It's just a nickname and I like Birds

Biird: Now shut the fuck up and let me tell you about our escape

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

_It was dark in the hospital at this hour. Most patients were sleeping, but not the four guys in room 5 and 6._

_Francis was wide awake but looked just like he was sleeping. Gilbert had his eyes opened but laid on his bed completely still. Matthew was actually asleep but Antonio was awake and ready to wake him up at the set time when they had decided to run away._

_The ticking clock at the wall told them that the time was soon 01:30. Then the night keepers would go on their nightly route and check on all the patients. And when that was done and that fat old man had left their floor, they were free to escape._

_They had spend too long time here. Especially Gilbert who had been there for the longest of them all. He wasn't even the sickest one among them, but for some reason they just wouldn't let him go._

_They knew every corner of this place, every rutine and every sound._

_If they would stay here for any longer they would probably become more sick than they were by the time they got in._

_It wasn't healthy to spend such a long time inside, totally cut off from the real world. There were barely any windows at their section ("many of our patients here are sudicial, you know very well why we can't have windows, beilschmidt") so they could barely tell what season it was. Time just stood still._

_Gilbert could hear footsteps in the hallway. The night keeper was comming._

_He opened the door to their room and looked in. All he saw was two sleeping patients, nothing new or strange about it._

_"They sure have gotten far", he thought to himself as he closed the door and remembered how their first nights at the hospital were. They were horrible - or at least the night when the French arrived was. The albino boy was a mess when he arrived, but not as emotional as the other. The night keeper didn't know why they were there, since he wasn't one of either the doctors or psycologists, but he could kind of tell by their arrival why they were there._

_The french was depressed and suicidal. Got kicked out of the house or something and made money for food by prostitution._

_And the German seemed to be a drug addict. Not particulary one of the sad ones, but one of the lost ones. One of those who just had a little too much fun at parties and then reality hit him as a truck when a big guy appeared before him and told him "you owe me some money, son"._

_The night keeper kept walking a few steps until he stood outside the door with a six-sign on it._

_"This is the room of the Spaniard and the blonde with the glasses", he thought and opened the door._

_Fast asleep._

_The blonde laid on his stomach with his arms spread across the bed. One of the arms hung down the edge. The arm didn't look like it was supposed to. It was all covered with scars, both pinkish and white ones. Such a shame to ruin a beautiful body like that._

_And then the night keeper carefully closed the door and continued his walk._

_Inside the closed door Antonio opened his eyes. He sat up on the bed and took a deep breath. The time to escape was here.  
_

_He walked over to Matthew's bed and put a hand on his friend's shoulder._

_"Matthew, wake up", he whispered and shoke the body carefully._

_The blonde opened his eyes and looked confused for a second, until he remembered their plan._

_The two of them got ready by putting on their regular clothes which had hung in the wardrobe ever since they got there. It felt strange to wear anything but those ugly pajamas-like blue suits._

_The clothes had been washed during their time at the hospital, but as for Matthew, his clothes still had huge tracks of faded blood on them. Wearing the same clothes as he had done at the day when he almost took his life was emotional. The emotions hit him like a massive tsunami, but he kept himself somewhat together and tried to focus on their task of the night._

_After waiting for another while they were sure the night keeper was gone. Then they opened their door and stuck their heads out in the dark hallway. Only some really dim lights in the ceiling made them able to coordinate themselves._

_Just a few seconds later, the door next to them opened too. Gilbert and Francis stuck out their heads just the same way as Antonio and Matthew did. They made eyecontact and nodded._

_Then they left their rooms for good._

_As quiet as they could they made their way to the stairs._

_They had to go down all the stairs to the ground floor, meaning that they had to get past the people at the 24/7-section at the first floor, and then get past the security door and then lastly the door to the outside._

_Those were few steps, but one mistake or just a moment too slow and they would get caught. They had to be careful but effective._

_It was easy to walk down the first stairs. Everybody at those floors were asleep and the darkness hid them very well. But then they came to the first floor._

_They stopped in the darkness of the stairs and looked down at what was going on at the floor which they had to get past. There were doctors walking around with patients who had broke their legs or been in car accidents. The workers should logicly be too busy minding their own patients rather than watching over the mental-rehab section's patients, but it was after all a hospital and security and safety was highly valued._

_So, of course that one doctor had to throw a quick eye in their direction, but not quick enough to let them go unnoticed._

_"Hey, what are you doing there? Are you patients?" she asked._

_"Ehh. No", Gilbert said and grabbed his striped shirt to show her that they didn't wear any hospital clothes._

_"What are you doing up there then? Come here, I can't see you", she demanded._

_They realized they had no other choice but to go down the last steps and expose themselves in the light._

_"Okay, so now explain this to me, will you?"_

_"Eh."_

_"My mum is here and I went to visit her, but then I got a bit curious and decided to exlore a little", said Antonio and put on one of his amazingly friendly smiles._

_"Doesn't that sound a bit like what a five year old would do? You guys must be somewhere around your upper teens, maybe twenties! Did you really -" the woman stopped speaking and looked at Matthew. His shirt. With the faded blood stains._

_"Hold on. You are the boy who tried to kill yourself at the school bathroom, aren't you?" she said._

_Then all the parts of the puzzle fell on place in her mind. Right. The suicide boy. She remembered he was tall, blonde, wore glasses and that there was blood all over the place when he arrived. And the albino boy...? Right. He was the messy one who insisted that he didn't need any help. With his complete whiteness it was hard for him to blend into the mass and get forgotten among them. And the one with tan skin? Nah. She couldn't remember really. And the one with curly, blonde hair? He was the one who always muttered things in French._

_However, the details were not important. She knew that those were patients._

_"You better go up to your section again this instant", she demanded them._

_But they just stood there like four idiots and looked at her._

_"Now. Or else I'll call for the guards."_

_And then they stood there for another few seconds before they all started running down the stairs to the ground floor. The doctor shouted at the guards and started running down after them._

_"TONI!!" shouted Gilbert as he run. They had come to the door which cut the entrence and waiting room off from the actual hospital._

_Antonio was the strongest one among them. He was usually not the one to do those things, but for his freedom and his friends he did._

_He lifted his foot and then, with a strong kick, he kicked the door open._

_And then the four of them ran through it, into the entrance and faced their final step - the outdoor._

_It was made out of glass so it was an easy decision how they would get past it._

_"YOU GUYS HOLD ON RIGHT THERE!!!" shouted a guard at them and came running towards them._

_Gilbert did like Antonio had done right before and swung a kick at the door._

_With a crash the glass broke into a thousand pieces and fell through the air. With no time to wait they had to run through it even though they got hit by some tiny pieces of glass._

_And then they just ran. As fast as they could. For as long as they could._

_Until they knew the guard had given up and returned to the hospital._

_And then they just started laughing the best laugh of their lives._

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

Biird: ... and that's it.

Lovi_08: dude that's like a movie script

Biird: I KNOW RIGHT

Mapleboy: Haha I've actually thought about that too!

Lovi_08: Honestly I would never have guessed that you two were so.. idk..deep??

Biird: wut?

Lovi_08: Don't get me wrong, you just seem to be really cheerful and chill, not the types to end up in hospital because of depression and stuff!!

Mapleboy: You've never met us IRL hahah

Lovi_08: You mean that you're actually really low IRL but act all chill here??

Mapleboy: It goes up and down I guess

Lovi_08: Sorry to hear that

Mapleboy: Don't be! Having it going up and down is better than being down all the time, right?

Lovi_08: Yeah, that makes sense

Biird: Hey Lovi, isn't it about time that we actually meet soon? IRL??

Lovi_08: I've been thinking the same thing tbh

Biird: We all live in the same country too, so it won't be expensive with tickets and stuff

Lovi_08: True

Mapleboy: I don't think you've ever actually told us which city you live in??

Lovi_08: I live neareby Parlemo in Southern Italy ((HURRAYYY FOR IMAGINARY PLACES ~ )). How about you?

Biird: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Lovi_08: Huh, no??

Biird: WE LIVE NEARBY PARLEMO TOO.

Biird: Haha really?

Mapleboy: Yeah, quite close to the harbour

Lovi_08: NO WAY ME TOO

Biird: How can we not have known this before??????

Lovi_08: NO IDEA BUT MAN THIS IS GREAT

Mapleboy: Then we could actually just meet at anytime!

Lovi_08: Yeah, I'm up for it!

Biird: LET'S SEE EACH OTHER NOW

Biird: NOW

Biird: THIS INSTANT

Biird: I'LL GIVE FRANCIS AND TONI A CALL

Biird: GO TO THE ICE CREAM SHOP IN THE HARBOUR, I'LL BE THERE SOON

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

POV change: Lovino

He was too exited to really mind if he looked like a mess, he just threw on his shoes and went straight out.

As he walked toward the harbour he found himself thinking about all the people Gilbert, Matthew, Francis and Antonio could possibly be. Maybe they had met before? If they lived so close, most likely they had actually met before! But Lovino couldn't remember ever meeting an albino German and the others he didn't even know what they looked like. What if they went to his school before?

Lovino's heart started pounding harder as he got ever closer the the harbour. When he could finally see the little ice cream shop he almost felt like running there, but his cool image stopped him from doing so. He knew he had to make a good impression on them, or else they might leave. And if anything, he had to control himself no matter what. There was a risk that they would bring up topics that could be triggering or sensitive, but then he'd just have to take a deep breath and move on. Raging out on somebody would not make a good first impression.

When Lovino arrived at the small ice cream shop he looked around to see if he saw anyone that seemed to be waiting. He couldn't see anyone. Then he sat down on a bench outside and waited.

When fifteen minutes had passed he started to worry. What if they wouldn't show up? What if this was just a prank? He tried to calm himself and take slow, deep breaths, but the thoughts just wouldn't leave him. What if they sat at home and laughed at the stupid Italian who honestly belived that they would show up? What if this was all just a prank? Like, everything? What if Gilbert was actually just a creep with nothing better to do than making friends with teenagers, just to leave them as soon as they belived the lie?

Lovino couldn't help but to pull up the hoodie sleeve a little bit, just enough to be able to gently scratch his wrists. It calmed him a little, but he knew way too well that a razor would do the job better.

He tried to focus on the feeling of his nails against his skin. How it felt when the nail touched the arm, how if felt whe the nail ran along the wrist and how if felt when the nail was pulled away. Just focus on something else than those thoughts of paranoia, he thought to himself.

He was so consentrated on the feeling that he didn't notice the four approaching young men who walked straight towards him. He got a major surprise when one of them suddenly yelled:

"HEY."

Lovino pulled down the sleeve again and looked up.

There was a pale guy, like, really really pale. And there was a blonde with a pair of oval glasses and red hoodie with a maple leef on it. And there was another blonde, but this one a bit shorter and more mature looking. And then there was a guy with brown hair and tanner skin than the others.

But those details didn't really matter because Lovino knew that they were Gilbert, Matthew, Francis and Antoino and this was not a prank.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"HEY I SAID", yelled Gilbert, "THAT MEANS THAT YOU SHOULD GET OFF YOUR ASS AND COME HERE."

Lovino was confused but he stood up and walked towards them. And then when he was close enough Gilbert just went for a hug and they all started laughing at his forwardness.

"Jeez, how come we didn't know that we lived so close before?" said Gilbert and sighed.

"I don't know, but I'm happy that we have finally met", said Lovino.

They started walking along the harbour. The evening sun made everything glow and everything just seemed to be too perfect to be true. Lovino was quite sure that he would wake up soon, because this had to be a dream.

Then they sat down on the edge of the wharf, facing the small fishing boats and the water.

"I'm sorry for being stupid, but just to get this straight... You are Gilbert, you are Matthew, you are Francis and you are Antonio?" asked Lovino and pointed at each one of them. They nodded, "OK. Cool. And honestly Gilbert, I think that you are albino, not just pale like you said that time!"

They chuckled again and Gilbert laid back on the ground, still with his legs hanging out the wharf so that his feet almost reached the water.

"Yeah, I suppose so? You're not the first one to say that. But albinoism is a medical condition right? And this is just pure awesomeness - so there must be a difference", said Gilbert and lifted his arm in front of his face to look at the pale skin. Then he just put it back underneath his head again and closed his eyes.

"So, Lovino, which school do you attend here?" asked Antoino and smiled right at Lovino.

The thought of school made Lovino slightly cringe, but he pushed those thoughts away. At least he wasn't alone now.

"The one over there, next to the football field" said Lovino and pointed in the direction.

"Ohhh, so it's the student from your school that invade the field all the time?" continued Antonio.

"Probably, yes. A lot of students like to play football after school."

"Right! I remember that you mentioned that you're in the school team!" said Matthew and leaned forward to be able to face Lovino even though Francis and Antonio were in between them. 

Matthew's face was cute. He looked happy and there was something slightly childish/girly about his features. He reminded Lovino of someone, but he couldn't exactly figure out who. 

It was hard to belive that this cute little person had completely ruined arms undernearth the red hoodie sleeves. But on the other hand, it was probably hard to tell from Lovino's face that his arms looked just the same... It was a strange feeling to know that they were the same kinds of people. All of them actually. 

"Yeah, I'm in the school team. But honestly, I've pretty much dropped out. I never attend practise anymore, and thus I never play in matches either", said Lovino.

"That's a shame, man. I heard Italians are good at football", said Gilbert without opening his eyes.

"Some of us are, I suppose. I heard Germans are good at football too. And Spaniards. Barcelona is a really good team, right?" said Lovino, not really noticing what he just said.

Gilbert suddenly sat up, staring at him.

"I'm Prussian. Not German."

And then they started laughing again.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It had been a long time ago since Lovino had laughed so much. They sat there and talked and laughed for hours, and they also shared two bottles of beer which Gilbert ran off and bought as soon as he realized that he had a little bit on money in his pocket.

But when the clock turned 23:15 and the air had gotten chillier Francis got on his feet and told the rest that it was time for him to go home. He had some stuff to do, and Gilbert and Matthew decided to leave too.

"I have to make sure my Bruder isn't ruining the entire house", explained Gilbert and whiped some dust of his pants.

"I would honestly have been more worried to leave you alone at home than your brother", teased Francis.

"Oh shut up. A little angel like me would never ruin a house!"

They said goodbye to Antonio and Lovino, gave Lovino a promise to meet again soon, and then they started walking away from the harbour, into the city while still teasing Gilbert about being a messier and more childish than his younger brother.

Antonio and Lovino remained alone the wharf.

"It's always so quiet whenever Gilbert leaves. He's like a parrot - never stops talking", giggled Antonio.

"I noticed!"

And it sure was more quiet now. Before they had barely noticed the sound of the waves and the voices of the men in the fishish boats. Those were really calming sounds though.

"Do you have any siblings yourself, Lovi?" asked Antonio after a while of silence.

"Yes, I've got a younger brother too. We don't really got along though."

"Be happy to have him though. I was the only child in my family. It was quite boring growing up not having anyone to fight with sometimes."

"Somewhere deep within I know that too. It's just that our relation has been really tense lately." said Lovino.

It was true. Somewhere deep within he was happy to have Feliciano. He did love Feliciano. Who didn't? He was a great guy. He was funny, kind, smart... he was everything. And that was the problem. Feliciano was so perfect that it made Lovino apear hopeless. It was like a competition. "Which brother is the best". People were always comparing them, and Feliciano was always the better one. Of course that would get onto Lovino's nerves after a while!

"Sorry to hear that. I hope things will solve out for you. I remember that things were really tense between Gilbert and his brother for a while too. And Matthew doesn't like to talk about it, but I know that he had some struggles with his brother too", said Antonio.

"Does Francis have any siblings?"

"No. He had a really close friend at some point though, and they were like brothers. But things got messed up between them too. I guess it's just in the nature of brothership - struggles and fights? Maybe that's actually what makes you brothers? That you fight but still always get back together?" said Antonio and smiled encouraging at Lovino.

It was a really genuine smile and it made Lovino feel calmer. It sounded accurate.

But before he could start to repair their relation, Lovino had to repair himself, and maybe, the process had just begun?


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm literally the worst fan fiction author ever. In the future I should probably just stick to one-shots because I never finish multiple-chapter works... I'll let you know that I haven't forgotten this work, and I have thought about updating it tons of times but I just haven't been satisfied with the outcome so I've just trashed it... I reached the conclusion that I gotta be less harsh on myself. I'm writing because I love to write and if others like my work it's even better, but it can't be the main point because then I'll just get anxious about the quality of my works.
> 
> So today, more than a year later, comes just some random chapter because I felt like writing ^^
> 
> Also, just letting you know that I'm going to study abroad so I will probably be pretty inactive again for while. Sorry about that..

 

**POV: Gilbert**

Gilbert decided that in order to keep in touch it was important to do so right from the beginning. He sent Lovino a text message the moment he got home to invite him over the day after tomorrow already. Lovino replied that he really wanted to come and asked which adress he lived on. Gilbert replied to that and then he went to Ludwig's room to check on him.

"How's it going?" he asked casually, leaning on the wall.

"Good", Ludwig said, looking up from his book for a moment before continuing to read. Gilbert couldn't help but to think of what Francis had said just a moment ago about Ludwig being the calmer brother. It was undeniably true. If Gilbert would have been alone at home the last thing he'd do would have been calmly reading a book. Who willingly read in their free time anyways?

"Where's your boyfriend?"

"He had some stuff to do so he couldn't stay here for the night", said Ludwig.

"Poor you, no sex for you today then?" chuckled Gilbert.

He loved to tease his brother. Previously there hadn't really been that many things to tease him about because he rarely made a fool out of himself and he was honestly better than Gilbert at most things. It wasn't until he started going out with Feliciano that he actually showed a weak spot and Gilbert had been using the heck out of it ever since.

Ludwig looked flustered.

"Wha -"

"Just kidding. And by the way, the usual guys will come over tomorrow and the day after tomorrow a new guy will come too, so don't freak out if there's a stranger it the house then, okay?"

"Okay. Feli will come here tomorrow and maybe he'll bring his brother too, just so you know."

"Okay ~", said Gilbert, mimicking Feliciano's way of speaking (which made Ludwig flustered again) and left the room.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

**POV: Lovino**

Lovino was surprised to find that Feli was actually at home. He sat in the sofa and watched something boring on the TV. It was strange to find him like this. The only times he would usually come home was if he needed to bring something other to the nazi boytoy's place.

"Hello?" Lovino said, "Is something wrong?"

Feli looked up.

"Oh hi, Lovi!" he said.

Lovino walked into the room and sat down in the armchair, facing his brother. Something seemed sneaky about this but maybe this was a good opportunity to talk. The talk with Antonia had honestly inspired him a bit. As brothers they could absolutely fight and upset each other, but they had to get together at some point.

"Why are you here?" he asked. It came out a bit too rudely but whatever, at least he tried.

"Ludwig told me you two talked a while ago", said Feliciano. He sounded unfamiliarly serious.

"What?"

"Yes. He said you walked up to him at school and talked to him."

Lovino tried to remember. Was that the day that he cut for the first time? That day when he panicked in the cafeteria?

"He said that you said that you wanted to start over with him", said Feli.

Then he remembered. It was in the corridor, by Ludwig's locker. It was indeed that day. But why did Feliciano bring this up now? And why did Ludwig bring this up now? It was a long time ago and the whole 'starting over'-thing didn't seem to go that well anyways.

"What about it?" 

"I didn't know about this until now. I thought it was very nice of you and I wanted to let you know that I appreciate it", said Feliciano.

This was so out of character that Lovino didn't quite know what to do. It made him really uncomfortable, yet of course happy that Feliciano at least cared a little bit about him still.

"Oh it's nothing. It didn't work out anyways" said Lovino and awkwardly scratched his neck.

"It's not nothing at all! You've been acting so defensively for a while, it's like you've pushed everyone away, so I think it's really a big deal that you've actually tried to fix things!" said Feliciano.

Pushed everyone away? Pushed everyone away? What? No, they pushed _him_ away. How couldn't Feli see this? It wasn't Lovino that left the others, it was them who left him! Technically, he might have been the one to leave, or walk away or whatever - but it was only in selfdefense. Everybody looked to angrily at him, what was he supposed to do? He knew that they hated him!

"... so I just wondered if maybe you'd like to come with me tomorrow. I'm going back to Ludwig's place and I thought maybe you'd like to join us", said Feliciano, sounding more like the cute little brother he usually sounded like.

"Join you?" asked Lovino. He couldn't quite believe it.

"Yes. We can just talk or play football or whatever really. Just... be together, you know?" said Feliciano.

Lovino didn't know what to say. Was this a hidden camera? Was this a prank? Was Feli fooling around with him, pretending to care just to crush Lovino's feelings all over again? Lotion's mind was blank. He was quiet for a while, just staring at his brother. Then he started giggling and said:

"Oh that's fine then, I guess. I thought you asked me if I wanted to join you in a threesome."

What and utterly strange thing to say when not knowing what to say. And even stranger was it to say it if you hadn't talked to someone for a long time. It was silly and immature. But that was what made it absolutely fantastic. Somewhat shyly Feliciano started cracking up, giggling, and it made Lovino giggle even more. Then they just burst out laughing hysterically.

And just for a moment, it felt just like when they were younger, back when they were healthy and happy, had a close relationship and Lovino's arms were nice and clean. They both probably knew it wouldn't last for long, but it was still worth more than the stars in the sky and any money in the world.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Lovino woke up the next morning, feeling like he had a complete hangover. At first he couldn't even remember what had happened the last night, but then everything started falling into place, one by one. He had met Gilbert, Francis, Antonio and Matthew and then he had talked to Feliciano. That was the most important things indeed.

Oh, and right... Today he was going to go to Ludwig's house together with Feliciano.

Oh god, was this actually a good idea? Would he be a coward if he didn't go? What if it would just get all worse?

"I've made breakfast!" shouted Feliciano from down stairs.

"Okay!" Lovino answered.

Lovino pulled a hoodie over his head and walked down the stairs. He was still surprised that Feli was at home, and for them to eat together...? It was unbelievable. He couldn't even remember the last time.

After breakfast they brushed their teeth and got ready to go. Feliciano didn't bring a bag of new clothing. This, Lovino calculated, could either mean he already had enough stuff at Ludwig's place so he didn't need to bring anything new, or else it meant that he was intending to sleep at home for another night.

The sun was shining today too but it was a bit windy.

"Is it far there?" asked Lovino.

"No, not really", said Feliciano cheerfully.

They started walking down the street. It felt so strange. So unfamiliar. Here they came, the two Vargas brothers, walking next to each other like the ideal brothers. To other people it must have looked like the sweetest thing ever.

"Where does he live?" Lovino asked. He didn't really know what else so say. When Feliciano answered Lovino thought it sounded annoyingly familiar but he couldn't remember where else he had heard it. He was really bad with remembering addresses and places.

Just a while later Feliciano turned right into a smaller street. There were houses on both sides and it looked like a nice area. The gardens were pretty and some kids were playing basketball outside. Lovino felt more nervous now than he had before. What if this would turn out to be the most awkward moment of his life? What if he would mess it up?

Feliciano walked up to a house and rang on the doorbell. The door opened and there stood Ludwig. The "nazi boytoy" himself who Lovino had spent so much time hating up to this point.

"Hi", he said and stepped aside so the brothers could enter the house.

Feliciano gave Ludwig a quick kiss when he thought Lovino was looking away, but he noticed. It was a bit awkward but it was all fine as long as he could avoid catching them having sex, he thought.

"Want some tea or something?" Ludwig asked.

"I'd love to", said Feliciano, "Want some too, Lovi?"

Lovino stiffly nodded. How do people behave in situations like this? Were they supposed to chit-chat over a cup of tea now? Was he supposed to be casual or polite? It it okay to start drinking before the host says 'please start'? Is it okay to look around in someone's house or is that considered rude?

Lovino couldn't help but to look around though. It was the first time he was here. It felt weird that this was the place Feliciano had spent so much time at. It was so familiar to him but so unfamiliar to Lovino.

It was fairly clean. The furniture were simple. In the corner of the living room, which Lovino could see into through the door in the kitchen, there was a big cage of some sort. It looked like it was a bird-cage but Lovino couldn't recall Feliciano ever mentioning that Ludwig had a pet bird. He didn't really seem like that kind of guy. 

"Here", said Ludwig and handed Lovino a blue cup.

Feliciano regived a white cup and walked out to the living room. He sat down on the sofa and but his cup on the table in front of him. Lovino did the same thing as he assumed it was the best to just do whatever Feliciano did. Then he wouldn't screw up too much at least.

Ludwig joined them shortly after, also putting milk and honey on the table.

"It's pretty nice isn't it? Much cleaner than our house", said Feliciano and sipped his tea.

Lovino felt slightly embarrassed. He must have really stared around him at everything.

"Yes," he said quickly.

Ludwig smiled a little. Lovino had rarely seen him do that but it made him feel a little bit more at easy. Maybe it wasn't just Feliciano's idea to invite him over, but Ludwig's idea too? Or maybe it was Feliciano's idea, but Ludwig had agreed to it? If he would have felt forced to accept Lovino into his house he wouldn't have smiled, right? Or was he overanalyzing things again? Yes, he probably was...

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Much like yesterday, the conversation just kept going. It would have been a lie to say that Lovino enjoyed the company as much as he enjoyed Gilbert's, Francis', Antonio's and Matthew's, but it wasn't as bad as he thought. He let Feliciano and Ludwig do most of the talking while he himself just threw in a comment wherever it suited. Lovino even dared to ask for more tea when he had finished his first cup and Ludwig didn't mind at all.

"What do you guys think, should we go outside maybe or do you -"

Ludwig was interrupted by a loud sound. For a brief moment some heavy metal music blasted out from the upstairs.

"Sorry!" a voice shouted from the second floor.

"Who's that?" asked Lovino.

"Ah, it's just my older brother", said Ludwig.

"Oh, okay."

"Ludwig's older brother usually has friends over. As soon as he doesn't he kills the silence with music", said Feliciano as he understood that Lovino was curious.

Suddenly a bird flew into the room, coming from the upper floor. It flew straight to its cage and picked some seeds before flying out again, landing at the shoulder of the guy who had just entered the room. It was Gilbert! The same Gilbert from yesterday!

"Oh my god, it's you!" said Gilbert when seeing Lovino.

"What are you doing here?" Lovino said dumbly, mostly out of surprise.

"Well I'd like to ask you the same! Didn't we say ' _the day after tomorrow_ ' - not ' _tomorrow_ ' ? ", said Gilbert, not rudely but just jokingly.

Feliciano and Ludwig both looked surprised.

"Do... you know each other?" Ludwig eventually asked.

"Yes! He's the guy who was going to come here tomorrow, but I guess he already found his way here", said Gilbert and sat down in the armchair by the table. Ludwig sighed but Gilbert shushed him, muttering something like 'come on i won't be bothersome'.

Gilbert looked back and fourth between Lovino and Feliciano.

"Thinking about it, I'm an idiot for not realizing this earlier. I knew you looked like someone I knew!" said Gilbert.

"But hold on... You are Ludwig are brothers?" said Lovino.

"Yeah. And I'm the older one, don't let our heights fool you."

"Or behavior", added Ludwig and chuckled slightly.

"Ha-ha, so funny. I'm mature as hell, shut up", said Gilbert.

The more Lovino thought about it, the weirder the situation got. For all these years that he had known Ludwig from school, Ludwig had had a really cool older brother which Lovino would eventually befriend. And the guy who helped Lovino to cure his loneliness was also the brother of the one who had caused it? And while Lovino had been at home chatting with Gilbert, Feliciano had been at his house? How on Earth?!

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**POV Matthew**

"I'm leaving!" shouted Matthew to Alfred before he threw his packpack over his shoulder and left the house.

He was going over to Gilbert. He felt excited about it although he went there several times every week. The windiness from the past day had increased. It was really windy today and the sun was shadowed by thick clouds. It wasn't cold, but one could feel in the air that rain was on its way.

Matthew opened the door to the house, quickly greeted Ludwig and Feliciano who were just about to head out, and went up the stairs. Although he felt like a horrible person he couldn't help but to be a liiiiittle bit disappointed to find that he was the last one to arrive. If he arrived first that meant he could have Gilbert's full attention for a short while, but... meh. It didn't matter that much anyways, he thought to himself.

"Hi guys", he said shyly and sat down on the floor.

"Hey", said the others.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"The weirdest thing happened yesterday", said Gilbert, "Like, Ludwig and Feli were talking downstairs but I kind of heard some other voice too and I went down the stairs and there was Lovi! And then I realized 'omg they're brothers' ! My brother has been dating Lovino's brother for ages and we didn't even know!"

"Really?" said Matthew.

"Yeah, it's pretty crazy actually. It's like _destiny_ ", said Antonio, looking overdramaticlly into the air before cracking up in a giggle.

"But like... If Lovi knows Feli, who knows Ludwig, and they both know Alfred - does that mean Lovi knows Alfred too?" said Francis thoughtfully, "Because both Feli and Ludwig do know Alfred, don't they?" he added and looked at Matthew.

"Yes, they do", said Matthew.

Lovino looked confusedly between the others in the room, waiting for them to say something.

"Lovi... Do you know someone called Alfred Jones?" asked Matthew.

"Ehm... Yes, I do. We used to be pretty close before but... I don't know. He's closer with Feli now", he said.

"Well... If you didn't know this already, he's actually my younger brother", said Matthew. Lovino looked surprise and Matthew couldn't help but to laugh at the reaction.

"Are you kidding me?"

"No, really. We are brothers."

"Why don't you have the same surname then?"

"Actually we are just half brothers. Our mum had me with a man whose surname was Williams and then she had Alfred with a man whose surname was Jones. And then we just kept it that way, although we only live with our mum", Matthew explained.

To Matthew they were like full brothers. It didn't matter that they had different fathers. Matthew never really knew his father as he left while his mother was pregnant with him, and Alfred's father also left fairy quick, so it was always just the three of them. They had always lived together and they looked very much alike so there were no obvious differences to tell that they were not from the same father.

**POV: Lovino**

"Now that you mention it... I did think that you looked familiar when I met you for the first time", said Lovino thoughtfully. He couldn't quite believe that the sweet guy in front of him was in any way related to the obnoxious American in school. Alfred was on top of that one of the people that had caused Lovino the most pain. He had called him _mad_ , he had looked angrily at him, he had convinced Feli that he was crazy (because Lovino was absolutely sure it was Alfred who had said that) and he had completely abandoned him for his brother. He was the one who started all of this.

"We look similar, but we are very different", said Matthew slowly.

" _Very_ ", said Lovino.

"What is he like in school?" Matthew asked.

Lovino thought for a moment. Maybe it wasn't that nice to tell Matthew all about it, or how he felt towards his brother. On the other hand, Gilbert had mentioned before that Matthew himself didn't really get along with Alfred so it didn't matter that much, did it? Matthew probably knew already anyways.

"He's... okay. A lot of people thinks he's cool. I just don't think that he likes me", Lovino began carefully, looked at the blonde to see how he would react.

"What do you mean?"

"Well he just doesn't seem to like me. He has said things about me and it's just something about the way he _looks_ at me that makes me feel... unwanted?" said Lovino.

"He can be a bit like that", said Matthew, "That's why I don't really like him. What did he say about you anyways?"

And then Lovino began to tell about everything. Absolutely everything. From the very beginning when Alfred choose Feliciano over him that day to how his confidence got ruined, to how he started counting the days, to how he thought everyone hated him, to how he started punishing himself and how he ended up like he did. It just poured out of him. Once started he couldn't stop. And it felt so good to let it out. And for the first time someone was there to listen and give him tissues when he started crying and someone could relate and someone preferred him and it just felt like... someone actually cared about him.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**POV: Matthew**

Matthew walked home feeling absolutely raging. He rarely felt that angry, but now he just couldn't help it. As the older brother he felt like it was partly his responsibility to raise Alfred, teach him things - especially since there had never been any father figure there for them. He couldn't always surrender to his younger brother. He couldn't always run away or hide when they started arguing. If Alfred hurt him, that was one thing - but to hurt others was another. Matthew didn't care that much about himself. His own health wasn't that important. But God knows he cares about others wellbeing.

He slammed the door shut behind him as he entered the house. Alfred's shoes were carelessly thrown on the floor instead of placed on the shelf that they used for shoes. Matthew went up the stairs and slammed Alfred's door open before even knocking. Alfred almost jumped out of surprise. He laid on the bed with his phone, probably just checking instagram or something of the kind.

"You and I gotta talk", said Matthew and walked into the room, although they had agreed to never walk into the other's room without permission. Alfred looked almost scared. He had never seen Matthew like that. He sat up quickly and put his phone away.

"Huh?"

"I think you are definitely old enough to realize that you can't just go around and talk shit about people. Other people have feelings, Alfred!" Matthew almost yelled.

"What are you - ?"

"I was at Gilbert's house and I met Feliciano Varga's brother Lovino. He told me how you have behaved!" said Matthew and sat down on the bed, shoving Alfred's legs aside. Alfred looked genuinely confused.

"What have I done?" he asked.

"You have called him mad, turned his brother against him, talked shit about him, given him looks... You name it!"

"What are you talking about?!" Alfred almost yelled, looking both scared and confused.

Matthew knew his brother enough to know that he was not faking this reaction. He didn't actually know what he was talking about. Matthew took a deep breath and decided to calm down.

"Do you really not know?" he asked.

"What? No? But like, I know I've been saying some things I guess, but it wasn't that serious!" said Alfred quickly.

"What do you mean?"

"That guy has been acting really strangely for a while and once in the cafeteria he just randomly started yelling at me, and I just asked Feli something like 'has your brother gone mad?'. I don't really remember to be honest, it wasn't that much of a big deal to me! It was just weird!" said Alfred.

"Do you seriously even believe in that yourself? One doesn't just randomly start yelling at someone without a reason!" said Matthew.

Alfred took a deep breath, also needing to calm down from the sudden approach. He adjusted his position on the bed and continued:

"I swear to _God_ \- I did not say anything before he started yelling at me. He came into the cafeteria and we made eye contact for a while, then he started yelling at me. I only _looked_ at him but he seemed to feel extremely attacked by it. I know it might have been an ignorant thing to say, but seriously, he did act as if he was mad so I just jokingly asked Feli about it. You know we have pretty harsh humor at times, right? Like, I can call Mattias an idiot when he does something stupid but it doesn't mean I actually hate him, you know? And I didn't even think he'd hear me say it!"

Matthew went quiet for a while, much to Alfred's relief. Hearing Alfred's version of the story made the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. Maybe it was all in Lovino's head? Maybe he wasn't actually that lonely? He just thought he was? Maybe people didn't actually leave him, but he pushed them away?

"What about you convincing Feliciano about it then?" Matthew finally asked.

"We just talked about it. Feliciano brought it up, that his brother was acting strangely, and then we just discussed it. I didn't add any fuel to the fire", Alfred said, putting his hands up to show he was not defending himself, just being honest.

"But come on, Lovino can't be imagining all of this? Do any other kids bully him then?"

"I don't know much about it but I just guess the word has just spread? I mean, he does randomly yell at people. That's 100% true. It didn't just happen to me, it happened to Feliks, you know the Pole, too! And once he just randomly started crying in the cafeteria! He does seem pretty lonely, but it's his own fault! He's so on-edge all the time. People don't dare to approach him anymore", said Alfred.

Matthew sighed. This all seemed to just be a big, fat misunderstanding. What a waste! The poor boy had been caused so much pain for something that wasn't at all that serious. He had even cut himself because people hated him - when they actually didn't hate him!

"Okay, Alfred, I get it. Sorry I was so angry at you. But you still need to learn something - Some people are more sensitive that others. Some people might be struggling with things, just that you don't know it. Your jokes are not funny to all people. You have to be more considerate, okay? Maybe your intention wasn't to hurt someone, but you might accidentally do so anyways. Okay?" said Matthew, smiling slightly at his brother.

"Ehm.. Yeah. Got it", said Alfred, still confused but he smiled a little back.

Matthew got up from the bed at left his brother's room. Alfred picked up his phone again and everything went back to normal, except that Matthew now had enough information to might be able to save a life. Maybe this was all Lovino would need?

 


End file.
